Keep Feeling Fascination....

''Will Smith, Tom Cruise, and Rush Limbaugh are among Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People of 2008. Which proves, if nothing else, that Barbara Walters is easily fascinated.''

—Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live



Ok, so, last week I was partaking in my weekly perusal of the Bible...well, my Bible, Entertainment Weekly...and stumbled across a tidbit upon which I could not resist expounding. In addition to in depth coverage of pop culture and entertainment news, EW features this section in the back called "Sound Bites," which
chronicles the funniest/wittiest/most ironic lines spoken on TV the week prior. And I love it....it is like Cliffs Notes for the attention deficit crowd -- No need to fire up the TiVo now, I know which Survivor contestant used the snake/rat metaphor to his/her advantage last Thursday.... Of course my boyfriend, Joel McHale from The Soup (best show on TV...) and my other boyfriend, Stephen Colbert from, well, The Colbert Report, of course, are regularly highlighted in "Sound Bites" for their witty barbs and pseudo-narcissistic declarations. But last week it was the above quote from Seth Meyers of SNL that not only cracked me up, but also, frankly, had me pondering....I agree with Seth, not one of those glory-hog celebs in The Barbara Walters Cry-fest Special even slightly interests me, this year, last year or ever...including Barbara herself, though I'd rather listen to her for an hour than spend more than 30 seconds on Will Smith...ugh, and Tom Cruise...ick, my dislike for him long predates his couch-jumping when the rest of you jumped on the bandwagon (except ADP, of
course, who always insists she would take alien zombie Katie Holmes' place in a heartbeat...) so no, he doesn't fascinate me...and Rush Limbaugh...Seriously? Uh, please....

So I am thinking, WTF?? Barbara is a journalistic icon...a woman who broke barriers before I was even born...She must have at least two brain cells to rub together, and her apparent love of Chanel suits and penchant for indecipherable eye-lifts proves she has a modicum of taste somewhere in there...And she cannot come up with a better crop of fascinating beings to profile? From what I understand (and remember, Stonehill English majors are the smartest....), by definition, to be
fascinating is to captivate, enthrall, allure and strike curiosity within...now that is what I am talking about...and sorry, but by the mere overexposure of Babs' picks, they have rendered
themselves completely un-fascinating...not just in 2008, but for all eternity, I might add.

So though I make slightly less money than Barbara Walters and do not yet have my own TV show on which I lord over a bunch of hens and
battleaxes, I still think I am well-versed in finding intrigue within even the most obscure of characters...and so a selection of my picks for Most Fascinating of 2008 await you....

5. Tyler Florence

I know...I talk about this Food Network chef all the time...so I guess it is obvious that I have some little schoolgirl crush on him...But is it actually him that I find appealing? Well, I do love his ex-pat Southern boy charm and naughty frat boy bloat that mars his undeniable prettiness. But I don't think that is the only reason I watch Tyler's Ultimate...it couldn't be, because we all know that a beautiful face gets kind of boring after a while, right? No, no...there must be something else that makes me feel like I want to lick the TV every time he pops up on screen. You know, I think it is that Tyler Florence unwittingly seduces the viewer through his utter adoration for food that you see in his eyes, hear in his voice and cannot miss on his face. I mean...it is almost uncomfortable to watch...he gets all breathy and ramped up as he puts pancetta and Gruyere and heavy cream and sage and G*d knows what else into his "Ultimate Mac & Cheese." And the way he says "melted leeks" or "warm butter"...you totally get the vibe that he wants to jump into the oven with the pan and roll around in it. And that in turn captivates the viewer...like, damn! I have got to get that recipe now! I for one have been known to yell down to my husband with a shopping list at 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning and he's like: We need to make Ultimate Pecan Brittle Cheesecakes right now?? Hell, yes! Do what I say! So yeah, Tyler Florence is kind of like the Dirk Diggler of TV chefs...giving we food porn addicts a place at the table. Thanks, Tyler!


4. Rick Astley

Last December I saw a clip of 80's pop-three-hit-wonder, Rick Astley, appearing on some British variety show and he looked so amazing...dark-haired, handsome and dynamic...and I was blown away -- I mean, who knew he was even still alive and then there he was lighting up the TV screen. Where was the faux prep fashion sense and man-orexic nerdiness? What about his flaming red hair and incongruously silky singing voice? So I called Sam right away and told her all about it...and she patently refused to believe that Rick Astley was alive and looking good...no matter how much I tried to convince her, she insisted I was somehow mistaken...or possibly that my questionable taste in men (ponytailed pro wrestlers, beguiling silver foxes and, yes, tragically true, the young David Crosby, have all been the object of my fancy....) had finally hit its nadir.


But no! I was on to something...little did Sam and I know then that Rick Astley was bound for a major comeback in a distinctly millennial way. That's right, in 2008, a fun new cyber prank was introduced, the act of emailing a disguised hyperlink to a friend, suggesting it is an article or picture or news story they must read/see/hear about...and when he or she clicks, what appears onscreen is the loud iconic 80's video to "Never Gonna Give You Up" with Rick's 20 years younger self dancing away....this process has become internationally known as "The Rick Roll." Though I have no clue how it originated, or if Rick himself is actually the evil genius behind it, I do know that Rick Rolling is sweeping the nation, cracking people up from sea to shining sea....even the effin' Muppets in the Thanksgiving Day parade. And as simple a pleasure as it is, Rick Rolling, or being Rick Roll'd, is truly the silliest, most satisfying diversion...a fun little nugget that brightens any day...


3. Sgt. Caroline Mason

Who you ask? Come on...who doesn't hang on every word, model every look, or shed a tear at every glance of Memphis Homocide's HBIC (for you geriatrics, this acronym stands for Head B*tch In Charge), Caroline Mason. Or am I the only morbid freak who TiVo's Caroline's hit A&E series, The First 48? Oh yes, it is some great TV -- a documentary show that chronicles the integral first 48 hours of a homocide investigation at a selection of big city police departments across the country (First 48 is a great complement to the equally raw and depressing, though less bloody, Intervention, by the way...). And of the detectives showcased on the show, the very best of all is Caroline -- the hottest, ghetto fab-a-lous fashion icon since Pam Grier...

Caroline Mason has long-a** fake fingernails, always flawlessly polished, and a Jackie Kennedy-inspired weave...she is always sporting 4-inch heels and a ton of gold jewelry dangling from her wrists as she steps over bloody crime scenes, pokes at bullet-riddled bodies and talks to cracked-out witnesses. But those are the least of Caroline's appealing qualities...what sucks me in every time is her badass interrogation style -- she sort of mixes motherly guilt-tripping with this mumbled streetwise vernacular. Every one of the perps she gets her hands on ends up crying...and she doesn't care if the dead guy is the worst drug dealing pimp in town...she is going to find who is responsible and see that justice is served for the victim's family (click here to watch her best work...). And you are captivated watching her...I wonder each week why Caroline Mason goes to work every morning...but at the same time I know just by watching that she wouldn't miss it for anything. I cannot relate at all...I have a hard time motivating myself to walk downstairs and check my email on Monday morning. She is surrounded by death and hell and despicable, useless dregs all day long...why does she love her job so much? But you know she does...and that is why I think Caroline Mason rocks.


2. The Stars of Flipping Out

I started writing this piece about Jeff Lewis, star and center of the Flipping Out universe because I find watching him truly one of the most compelling ways to spend an hour...he is a relentless ballbuster with a sadistic sense of humor and this razor sharp wit...on top of that, his upscale gay man design aesthetic is the most sought after look of the year. But as I wrote, I realized that though Jeff and his OCD/control freak/evil genius thing is what draws you into the addiction that is Flipping Out, it is the enabling co-dependence of his business associates and quasi-friends, Jenni, Zoila and Ryan, that astounds you...and makes you stick around to watch. It is Jenni Pulos though that truly amazes...she is not only the twin of Elaine Benes, but she also serves as Jeff's mouthpiece, first line of defense, sage, therapist, bodyguard and daily lunch buddy. She has to back up his ridiculous requests and outrageous demands, and accept their life-changing consequences...For instance, this season Jeff rigged a hidden camera security system to spy on his staff, which resulted in the firing of his house manager (for checking email on company time), who happened to also be Jenni's husband....and what was Jenni's response?? She filed for divorce! Her allegiance to Jeff and his business trumped her marriage...now that is a woman whose got some whacked out priorities...Jenni Pulos is my idol.

1. Spaghetti Cat

Need I explain, really? Spaghetti Cat is the biggest star in Hollywood...His quiet charisma is palpable and his mysterious love of pasta captivates, entralls and strikes curiosity within each one of us, no?



Ok...so maybe that last one was kind of a joke (not really...). Look, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that what is most fascinating to me are the people I actually know and see everyday. You know, there are those of you out there, my good friends even, who I know have juicy little secrets and thoughts and desires you will never ever share with me, and that is in itself immensely enticing....But also, there are those folks that are on the same schedule as you that you see in Starbucks everyday at 8:37...or on the train platform...or next to you on the treadmill...and you're kind of like, where does he/she go after this...who are they actually. For example, I am endlessly intrigued by the Hot Tub Couple who live on my block. I don't know their names...they live in this little stone cottage on the corner...don't seem to have children of any age...they have a big model sailboat perched in their front bay window....there is always this New York Mets flag hanging from a flag pole attached to a giant tree on their yard and a vintage Porsche in the driveway...But for some reason my interest is peaked by their elusive nature...

I don't think anyone ever sees the woman...this year I caught a quick glimpse of her on Halloween when she sat on their steps in a witch hat, a glass of wine at her side. The man is outside a lot, walking the neighborhood with his Wheaton terrier, wearing shades, his silver-streaked hair slicked back -- I always wave to him and his only reaction is to sort of mysteriously nod back. Secretly I kind of want him to start talking to me, to become my private neighborhood friend....because, you know, I am absoultely dying to know what the deal is with that hot tub -- an anomaly in this neighborhood -- with its unobscured, perfect view from every approach and filmy white curtains. Seriously...WTF? I have never seen them use it, and I would know, because it is guarded only by this little decorative iron fence. And all I can picture is the two of them packed in there with their couple friends like that scene from Boogie Nights when Burt Reynolds climbs into the hot tub with Dirk Diggler and Reed Rothschild and it's all so snug and...well, ick, so smary and awkward. So maybe Hot Tub Couple uses their open-air spa in the middle of the night, which begs the question -- what kind of shenanigans are going on in that house? That lovely little innocent seeming cottage...what debauchery lies behind those doors? Damn, I am dying to get in there...

Hmmm...come to think of it, my fascination with Hot Tub Couple is, you know, kind of fascinating. Admit it...you want to know more about me now...you want to know why I am so interested in this phantom couple and their exciting hot tubbing and their supposed wild lifestyle...So I suppose this must be why Barbara Walters sticks to profiling boring celebs and generic subject matters...because then all we really know about her is that she likes Chanel suits and indecipherable eye-lifts...

Many kisses to all...Suz

Photo 1: The Bible, featuring the two pop culture Messiahs on the cover...now those two b*tches are intriguing...

Photo 2: Tom Cruise...acting kind of normal for him...Fascinating? No...

Photo 3: A pre-Chanel/eye-lift Barbara...much more fascinating back then...

Photo 4: Oh Tyler, honey, come hither...you can melt my leeks any day...

Photo 5: David Crosby circa 1962 on what was absolutely his hottest day ever...admit it, he's kind of cute and naughty looking as a young thing, no? Or is my taste really for sh*t?

Photo 6: Rick Roll me, baby! Does he not look like a different dude completely?

Photo 7: Pam Grier/Foxy Brown...Caroline Mason's hot mess style guru...

Photo 8: Caroline Mason...simply the best weave on the planet...

Photo 9: Co-dependents Support Group...Jenni and Jeff can't leave each others' sides...

Photo 10: Love you, Spaghetti Cat...don't get all Lohan on us now that you are a big star...

Photo 11: Lots and lots of people to be intrigued by...hopefully one of them is an exhibitionist!

Photo 12: Hot Tub Couple finally invite Rob and I for a dip...wouldn't you like to know what happened....