ll, as it turns out it was actually called, Slumber Party)....not because I am embarrassed or shy or too prudish (me?) or because there weren't countless naughty and riotous little tidbits to share...No, no...it's mostly because I know that the large majority of you click the link to this blog while you are enjoying a morning latte and a little Vanilla Almond Special K (or Froot Loops and Gatorade in TL's case....) from your office or the teacher's lounge or the trading desk or the board meeting...and I am guessing some of you guys even enjoy a little light blog reading while logged onto your wife's computer. And I am not in the business of getting anyone fired or placed permanently in the doghouse...or worse yet, none of us wants the compliance guys to be monitoring how many times you click on the selection of questionable photos that might illustrate such tidbits....Hell, some of you ARE compliance guys... So instead, I will speak in code...fair deal, guys? Because I know you want to know all the details...
Let me rewind a little though and first discuss Friday afternoon...my girl Stacey (charter member of TL's Harem) was hosting a little shopping day at her home with some friends from the fashion biz....and she invited me to attend, not because I needed gobs of fancy and impractical and expensive clothes for girls ages birth to 7 years from lilswanky.com (Ellie is 9...but Gabby scored...)...No, Stacey invited me because she knew I'd kick back with a couple of glasses of champers and entertain her friends with my stories of being brain-dead and distracted and all over the place. My stories of severed fingers and birth control methods and hot tub couples and sweat shop manicure/massages (remember that???). And so that is what I did...and while her friends cut their Veuve Clicquot with Tropicana, Stacey, Bridget (our other Holy Angels sister) and I pounded it straight...and everyone was enjoying the chit chat and our stories from back in the day at all-girls' school.... our bratty, fickle teenage girl ways that we still can't seem to shake (...anyone care to join the Heathers in Minnesota for an epic seduction???)...And as we covered one wicked subject after another, all I could think was -- these two b*tches really need to come to this Passion/Slumber Party tonight...these two will have me on the floor laughing before the first v*****or makes it off the presentation table. And the other party friends eventually became quiet as we played out our little three-way routine...and then one of them remarked on our chemistry and level of comfort with one another and how, after all these years since graduating, we still cracked up at each others' jokes and finished each others' sentences...and I said: "It's because we are soul sisters...there is no other being as loyal and no other bond as strong as this..." Am I right, Angels? So Friday started
out really well….
Ok… speaking of female bonding....
Let me rewind a little though and first discuss Friday afternoon...my girl Stacey (charter member of TL's Harem) was hosting a little shopping day at her home with some friends from the fashion biz....and she invited me to attend, not because I needed gobs of fancy and impractical and expensive clothes for girls ages birth to 7 years from lilswanky.com (Ellie is 9...but Gabby scored...)...No, Stacey invited me because she knew I'd kick back with a couple of glasses of champers and entertain her friends with my stories of being brain-dead and distracted and all over the place. My stories of severed fingers and birth control methods and hot tub couples and sweat shop manicure/massages (remember that???). And so that is what I did...and while her friends cut their Veuve Clicquot with Tropicana, Stacey, Bridget (our other Holy Angels sister) and I pounded it straight...and everyone was enjoying the chit chat and our stories from back in the day at all-girls' school.... our bratty, fickle teenage girl ways that we still can't seem to shake (...anyone care to join the Heathers in Minnesota for an epic seduction???)...And as we covered one wicked subject after another, all I could think was -- these two b*tches really need to come to this Passion/Slumber Party tonight...these two will have me on the floor laughing before the first v*****or makes it off the presentation table. And the other party friends eventually became quiet as we played out our little three-way routine...and then one of them remarked on our chemistry and level of comfort with one another and how, after all these years since graduating, we still cracked up at each others' jokes and finished each others' sentences...and I said: "It's because we are soul sisters...there is no other being as loyal and no other bond as strong as this..." Am I right, Angels? So Friday started
out really well…. Ok… speaking of female bonding....
The Passion/Slumber Party hostess was named Suzanne. What are the odds, for crissakes? There aren't quite so many of us, you know....but of course this quasi-madame/d***do saleswoman shared my "Christian" name...and as you can imagine, that made for quite a lot of confusion...on my part mostly. While Suzanne did her presentation, demo-ing gels and lotions and edible oils (K was all ab
out the edibles, all night long...we are not “gourmets,” Miss K, we are “wh*re-mets”…) and rubs and games and, oh right, some raspberry flavored thing called Bosom Buddy...bet you can figure that one out...yeah, these products leave little to the imagination. But, the thing was, every time my friends had a question for Suzanne -- "Suzanne, what is the best seller?"...."Suzanne, how many speeds does that one have?"...."Suzanne, is this gel supposed to make my tongue tingle?"...."Suzanne, why do these come in purple and pink and not flesh color?" (one of the girls really asked that...my ribs still hurt from the endless laughter that gem inspired...) -- I was all taken aback and startled and I'd be like: "I have no idea! Why are you asking me?
" Every time...every damn time. And that was after we had all differentiated ourselves at Suzanne's suggestion and picked "stripper" names or whatever they were supposed to be...actually, they were more like those Freshman Orientation ice breaker names (Manic Mary, Crazy Chris, Fun Frank...)...For the Passion/Slumber Party I was "Slap Me Suz"....and frankly, my alias was the most suggestive of all...Suse went the safe route with "Sexy Susan"...But "Gyrating Jen" was inspired, I must say....
out the edibles, all night long...we are not “gourmets,” Miss K, we are “wh*re-mets”…) and rubs and games and, oh right, some raspberry flavored thing called Bosom Buddy...bet you can figure that one out...yeah, these products leave little to the imagination. But, the thing was, every time my friends had a question for Suzanne -- "Suzanne, what is the best seller?"...."Suzanne, how many speeds does that one have?"...."Suzanne, is this gel supposed to make my tongue tingle?"...."Suzanne, why do these come in purple and pink and not flesh color?" (one of the girls really asked that...my ribs still hurt from the endless laughter that gem inspired...) -- I was all taken aback and startled and I'd be like: "I have no idea! Why are you asking me?
" Every time...every damn time. And that was after we had all differentiated ourselves at Suzanne's suggestion and picked "stripper" names or whatever they were supposed to be...actually, they were more like those Freshman Orientation ice breaker names (Manic Mary, Crazy Chris, Fun Frank...)...For the Passion/Slumber Party I was "Slap Me Suz"....and frankly, my alias was the most suggestive of all...Suse went the safe route with "Sexy Susan"...But "Gyrating Jen" was inspired, I must say.... 
So, since I was sitting at the far left-hand end of the circle, the "products" would make their way around to me so that I could place them in Suzanne's carrying case once everyone had a chance to manhandle the samples....manhandle is definitely the right word, by the way. Anyway, as they made their way around I would mark down comments that my friends would make so that I wouldn't forget...so that I could out them all to you. You know...things like: "I have stuff all over me."..."Wow! it's ticklish!"..."This does nothing for me."...But it was T's reaction to the Couples Poker Game with its evocative little messages imprinted on poker chips that had me wetting myself. She sort of gets lost in thought as she looks at the game cards and chips and rule book and out of nowhere she says, without a hint of sarcasm: "Well, Jim (her husband) really likes poker..." I thought I might die gasping for air after that 
one...effing hilarious...That was even better when L said: "It must be the new model...the old one doesn't have flashing lights. This one’s like a pyrotechnic show for the bedroom."
So I sat on the end there, kind of zoning out with my champagne and my pen and pad...and I wasn't really taking in all that Suzanne had to say...you know, maybe because I was still confused every time anyone addressed her. So, I kept making pithy cracks every time she demo-ed some newfangled electronic product that made me blush and giggle...I mean, hell, you cannot shake the images that are playing in your head while she describes...well, I couldn't. And I am thinking...you know, I may write all about my antics week after week...but truth be told, I am extra secretive...and, well, it takes a lot for me to reveal what I am thinking…especially private thoughts. You know, I have to be uber-committed and totally secure before I open up…and like anyone else, it is hard and painful (no pun!) for me to pour my heart out...though, I think we can all agree -- silence is worse.... So yeah, it seemed I would need a few more glasses of champagne to start shooting serious questions at Suzanne.
one...effing hilarious...That was even better when L said: "It must be the new model...the old one doesn't have flashing lights. This one’s like a pyrotechnic show for the bedroom." So I sat on the end there, kind of zoning out with my champagne and my pen and pad...and I wasn't really taking in all that Suzanne had to say...you know, maybe because I was still confused every time anyone addressed her. So, I kept making pithy cracks every time she demo-ed some newfangled electronic product that made me blush and giggle...I mean, hell, you cannot shake the images that are playing in your head while she describes...well, I couldn't. And I am thinking...you know, I may write all about my antics week after week...but truth be told, I am extra secretive...and, well, it takes a lot for me to reveal what I am thinking…especially private thoughts. You know, I have to be uber-committed and totally secure before I open up…and like anyone else, it is hard and painful (no pun!) for me to pour my heart out...though, I think we can all agree -- silence is worse.... So yeah, it seemed I would need a few more glasses of champagne to start shooting serious questions at Suzanne.
It was about halfway through when the girls passed over a little paperback book with a pickle on the cover...yes, again, not very subtle...and this was it...the product that finally captivated me. I have always loved books….loved visually taking in information and narratives and details and revelations. When I was a kid I would spend late summer afternoons hiding upstairs under the covers while Trish and RJ would be riding bikes and swimming and playing Wiffle ball and Manhunt and all that. And I would be ignoring my mom’s pleas for me to get out of the house because I was so taken with The Great Brain books and The All-Of-A-Kind Family series…and as I grew it was Judy Blume (hey, come to think of it, her books were kind of like 
little Passion/Slumber Parties for ‘tweens, you know what I’m saying???…so it all comes full-circle…)…And then in college my friends would be pouring over text books and papers and some crazy-ass financial matrix…and I would be reading…anything and everything…and oftentimes not the poetry and modern lit and indecipherable Middle English passages (In th' olde dayes of the kyng arthour, Of which that britons speken greet honour, Al was this land fulfild of fayerye…."Wife of Bath’s Tale.") assigned by Professors Estrin and Shelley and Chapman-Peek (but I always read the ones assigned by Professor Conboy, I swear!!). And the Orleans girls would be so envious of me…so jealous that in my major I got to do the two things I loved the most: read and write. I told you English majors were the sm
artest. And now that I am here…years out from “having” to read…every night I get into bed with my two best guys…my babies…and every night we read (sometimes it’s just the credits on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives…) and now they love to read too…So, it’s clear -- I think books are great…
So I latched onto this “pickle” book as soon as I had it in my hot little hands….ugh, so unintentionally suggestive…sorry. Anyway, I couldn't put it down. And no, there were no photos or centerfolds or anything...it was an instructional manual of sorts...and I found it incredibly informative...eye-opening even. I didn't look up from it until Suzanne's demo had come to a close.
Yes...I am telling the truth...I went to an adult products party and the one item I couldn't do without was a book....How hot am I?
little Passion/Slumber Parties for ‘tweens, you know what I’m saying???…so it all comes full-circle…)…And then in college my friends would be pouring over text books and papers and some crazy-ass financial matrix…and I would be reading…anything and everything…and oftentimes not the poetry and modern lit and indecipherable Middle English passages (In th' olde dayes of the kyng arthour, Of which that britons speken greet honour, Al was this land fulfild of fayerye…."Wife of Bath’s Tale.") assigned by Professors Estrin and Shelley and Chapman-Peek (but I always read the ones assigned by Professor Conboy, I swear!!). And the Orleans girls would be so envious of me…so jealous that in my major I got to do the two things I loved the most: read and write. I told you English majors were the sm
artest. And now that I am here…years out from “having” to read…every night I get into bed with my two best guys…my babies…and every night we read (sometimes it’s just the credits on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives…) and now they love to read too…So, it’s clear -- I think books are great… So I latched onto this “pickle” book as soon as I had it in my hot little hands….ugh, so unintentionally suggestive…sorry. Anyway, I couldn't put it down. And no, there were no photos or centerfolds or anything...it was an instructional manual of sorts...and I found it incredibly informative...eye-opening even. I didn't look up from it until Suzanne's demo had come to a close.
Yes...I am telling the truth...I went to an adult products party and the one item I couldn't do without was a book....How hot am I? Well, you can laugh at my conservative choice all you want and make your little comments...but let me assure you, with the purchase of said book, there is no question that I will be by far the most well-schooled of all my girlfriends in the (blank) and (blanking) and how to (blank) and which (blank blank) techniques are most effective and when it is best to (blank the blank) and which angles make the (blank blank blank) and what happens when you (blank blank blank blank blank blank). Right? I mean, in the long run....isn't education and schooling, hand in hand with application and skill, what truly makes one an expert? And doesn't knowledge and appreciation really make every experience the best it can be? Yeah....I thought you might agree... 
Oh wait…wait a second…you guys don’t think it was a “sex ed” book or anything, do you? Oh god, no…please…it was a cookbook….I mean, I’ve told you how much I love food porn, haven’t I? It must have gotten mixed up with Suzanne’s Pampered Chef party materials (she is an industrious lady, that Suzanne…). The book was all about pickling…pickling spices and equipment and how to serve pickles and how people prefer to have their pickles stored and handled and ingested…I mean, I needed some guidance on that…who doesn’t? One can always use a refresher, no? Right…a refresher…a pickle refresher…
So…do you think your compliance guys bought my disclaimer??
Oh wait…wait a second…you guys don’t think it was a “sex ed” book or anything, do you? Oh god, no…please…it was a cookbook….I mean, I’ve told you how much I love food porn, haven’t I? It must have gotten mixed up with Suzanne’s Pampered Chef party materials (she is an industrious lady, that Suzanne…). The book was all about pickling…pickling spices and equipment and how to serve pickles and how people prefer to have their pickles stored and handled and ingested…I mean, I needed some guidance on that…who doesn’t? One can always use a refresher, no? Right…a refresher…a pickle refresher…
So…do you think your compliance guys bought my disclaimer??
Triple xxx's and many oooooo's,
Slap Me Suz
PS I’ll tell you the rest of the story when Sam and I see you at Nancy Whiskey this Thursday the 9th…
Photo 1: My actual breakfast this Sunday at Bar Breton with Cath and my bevy of boys...big a**ed iced coffee the essential component...
Photo 2: Angel soul sister, party hostess and harem concubine, Stacey and me...can't you tell what incredibly appropriate influences we are on one another...I'll carry you home from Nancy, Stace, I promise!!
Photo 3: Miss K with party acoutrements all blurred out...were they edible though, K? By the way...K and I are in a church group together too...it's always the quiet ones....
Photo 4: Don't ask me what is taking place here...my head was buried in a book...maybe that pyrotechnic show was extra blinding???? Right...that's what it was...
Photo 5: Me and my name tag...proof of my stint as "Slap Me Suz"...notice the flute chock full of champers to loosen me up...
Photo 6: Actual Couples Poker Game pieces...the cleanest one I could find in the stack...enjoy those, Jim!
Photo 7: Another pyrotechnic show...but you get the idea...no?
Photo 8: Still have those books...still read them...won't even let my kids touch them...
Photo 9: Reading...writing...Brother Mike's...hanging with Jeanne...best years of my life...long before "Slumber Party" took on a new meaning...
Photo 10: Me and my best guys...mostly read the menu together that day...again with the giant iced coffee...
Photo 11: Pouring over that pickle book and related texts...I prefer to be well-studied on all topics associated with pickles...you know, and all that...
Photo 12: They may be evil...but, damn, they are delicious!
6 comments:
No wonder Rob was smiling so much today.....
I love the suburbs. And that's all I have to say about that...
Are you serious???? There's a church group out there that actually let you join?
I love this but what's a v*****or and d***o? I'm trying to fill in the blanks and I... oh crap, Amy is coming... I'll be back...
HA! Can't wait to get to my own slumber party... Btw, Gabby's dress - total score.
Wondered when I would debut on the blog...what I didn't wonder was what the topic would be about...hey thanks for including me...I think!?!
Miss K
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