Last week, just days after I shared my Facebook quiz results with all of you
, I noticed that my Facebook “friend” and niece, the lovely, sweet 16 Andie, had completed a questionnaire entitled “Top Five People I Would Like To Punch In the Face.” And I was all over that sh*t…I clicked right on that link and got to choosing. It was kind of too bad the survey didn’t allow me to pick from “real” people (none of you, of course...), but after this past week and some jarring moments and crises to avert and evil to shield my dear ones from, I would have had a list of no less than 25 people and things, the first 10 spots taken by one loose cannon in particular…but I digress. I am mostly a joyful person and prefer to make love and not war, but be honest, who could resist getting their ya-yas out with a simple list of five annoying public persons or groups who need a wallop or two….not me! I am from New Jersey...we never pass up a chance to virtually slug some sanctimonious fool...it's actually required by our State Constitution.... So, that said, my selections were:
, I noticed that my Facebook “friend” and niece, the lovely, sweet 16 Andie, had completed a questionnaire entitled “Top Five People I Would Like To Punch In the Face.” And I was all over that sh*t…I clicked right on that link and got to choosing. It was kind of too bad the survey didn’t allow me to pick from “real” people (none of you, of course...), but after this past week and some jarring moments and crises to avert and evil to shield my dear ones from, I would have had a list of no less than 25 people and things, the first 10 spots taken by one loose cannon in particular…but I digress. I am mostly a joyful person and prefer to make love and not war, but be honest, who could resist getting their ya-yas out with a simple list of five annoying public persons or groups who need a wallop or two….not me! I am from New Jersey...we never pass up a chance to virtually slug some sanctimonious fool...it's actually required by our State Constitution.... So, that said, my selections were: 
3) Jennifer Aniston -- I can’t take that desperate publicity hound vibe that she exudes, which jumps off the pages of People every week.
4) Gwen Stefani -- to me she is some cliché Orange County pseudo skater chick gone awry…gross.
and 5) Bono -- who only slightly edged out Sting for that final spot…
Ok, so things have changed a little in Franklin Lakes since the childhood I lovingly recounted a few months back…. Of course over the years the idyllic little town that revolved around Kilroy’s Wonder Market and the Indian Trail Club and 11:15 Mass at Most Blessed Sacrament has benefited in some ways from its reputation and all of those high-profile residents…but it has also had some growing pains. Some of our leafy lots and wide streets have been bulldozed to fit new neighborhoods and cul-de-sacs and Double McMansions and $2 million knock-dow
ns so that we can accommodate all the "new rich” populating the area. And there is that fleet of Escalades (white or black) with Moms sporting giant Prada sunglasses behind the wheel that have replaced the blond-bobbed, golf skirt wearing ladies in their Wagoneer "woodies" and old Mercedes sedans with college stickers filling the rear window. The Mobster vs. Prepster cold war has long been afoot and the long gone McBride brothers are spinning in their graves.... Things change…the old cliché…
I'll confess...I couldn't help but develop and affinity for some of these broads. They had me cracking up at their ballbusting and pointed comments...very Jersey, for sure. And that, my friends, is a sincere compliment.
I know...wanting to punch Bono is somehwat controversial... And my "friends" let me have it....I was getting 
comments left and right: He’s a saint! He’s a genius! He’s endlessly talented! He does so much good! He’s a role model! … Ok…most of that is true…but I kind of feel like he believes his own hype and that's why he needs a little smacking around. You know…couldn't he benefit from being taken down a notch or two with his pretentious high-and-mighty international envoy thing? I mean...well...hey Bono, I like you better when you stick to singing…
comments left and right: He’s a saint! He’s a genius! He’s endlessly talented! He does so much good! He’s a role model! … Ok…most of that is true…but I kind of feel like he believes his own hype and that's why he needs a little smacking around. You know…couldn't he benefit from being taken down a notch or two with his pretentious high-and-mighty international envoy thing? I mean...well...hey Bono, I like you better when you stick to singing… But anyway…this isn’t about me and my axes that need grinding…Back to my niece and her survey choices: Brad Pitt, Guidos, Adam Lambert (who?), Oprah Winfrey and the entire cast of High School Musical…I mean, mostly she was spot-on…well, I don't know that I'd freely admit to wanting to punch Oprah as I would fully expect the CIA to show up at my door and arrest me for slandering our national treasure...I mean, hell, she did singlehandedly pick the President, didn't she? So I'd just steer clear of her...
But the one that left me curious was Andie's number 2 se
lection -- “Guidos”…they deserve the number 2 spot? Really? Honestly, as a lifelong resident of New Jersey, I thought she should have developed a tolerance to our well-known indigenous breed. Oh, don’t get me wrong…I am no great fan of the fake-tanned, IRoc-driving, Seaside Heights-dwelling, Gold’s Gym juice-head, slick-haired, gold rope chain-loving, dance club-going yutzes that have given the Garden State our infamous national reputation...though they do make excellent bouncers and personal trainers... (by the way…those of you from here know that the Jersey version pales in comparison to the Boroughs-y/Long Island/Westchester Guidos…you know what I am talking about…House of Butta-fu-oco??…that Hudson River is a nice little buffer…)…but I will admit it, Guidos are generally harmless to me and my kind…(oh, my g*d, that reminds me…a couple of weeks after college graduation, Casey, Murph and I went to Belmar to visit this guy Casey had been dating and his posse of high school buddies…they had all grown up in Old Bridge, Central Jersey...aka Guido ground zero (well, outside their native land 
of Staten Island, that is). And though Casey’s boyfriend was the jewel in the Old Bridge crown, all preppy and cute…his friends had a little bit of that Turnpike-adjancent vibe in them…But we spent the night and had a fun time and I even smooched one of them at Bar A that night…and on the ride home in the back seat of Murph’s car, Sherelle II, dull headaches and hangovers taking hold, I broke the silence with this bon mot: “Guidos, on the whole, are nice people….”…Murph slammed on the brakes and she and Casey busted out laughing… Murph even had to pull over on Route 35 until she could contain herself enough to continue driving…but I was dead serious…at least those Old Bridge Guidos were nice people. Needless to say, that line has popped up once in a while over the years when we are all together…and yes, that was the one and ONLY time I was close enoiugh to touch a Guido…promise!). So anyway, as I said, Guidos mostly leave we ethnically bland Prepster/Yuppies alone and vice versa…well, until of course, 
one of theirs thinks they want to join one of our Country Clubs….then the gloves come off. But hey, we don’t try to become members of their “Social Clubs,” do we?
lection -- “Guidos”…they deserve the number 2 spot? Really? Honestly, as a lifelong resident of New Jersey, I thought she should have developed a tolerance to our well-known indigenous breed. Oh, don’t get me wrong…I am no great fan of the fake-tanned, IRoc-driving, Seaside Heights-dwelling, Gold’s Gym juice-head, slick-haired, gold rope chain-loving, dance club-going yutzes that have given the Garden State our infamous national reputation...though they do make excellent bouncers and personal trainers... (by the way…those of you from here know that the Jersey version pales in comparison to the Boroughs-y/Long Island/Westchester Guidos…you know what I am talking about…House of Butta-fu-oco??…that Hudson River is a nice little buffer…)…but I will admit it, Guidos are generally harmless to me and my kind…(oh, my g*d, that reminds me…a couple of weeks after college graduation, Casey, Murph and I went to Belmar to visit this guy Casey had been dating and his posse of high school buddies…they had all grown up in Old Bridge, Central Jersey...aka Guido ground zero (well, outside their native land 
of Staten Island, that is). And though Casey’s boyfriend was the jewel in the Old Bridge crown, all preppy and cute…his friends had a little bit of that Turnpike-adjancent vibe in them…But we spent the night and had a fun time and I even smooched one of them at Bar A that night…and on the ride home in the back seat of Murph’s car, Sherelle II, dull headaches and hangovers taking hold, I broke the silence with this bon mot: “Guidos, on the whole, are nice people….”…Murph slammed on the brakes and she and Casey busted out laughing… Murph even had to pull over on Route 35 until she could contain herself enough to continue driving…but I was dead serious…at least those Old Bridge Guidos were nice people. Needless to say, that line has popped up once in a while over the years when we are all together…and yes, that was the one and ONLY time I was close enoiugh to touch a Guido…promise!). So anyway, as I said, Guidos mostly leave we ethnically bland Prepster/Yuppies alone and vice versa…well, until of course, 
one of theirs thinks they want to join one of our Country Clubs….then the gloves come off. But hey, we don’t try to become members of their “Social Clubs,” do we?So I guess since Andie is still young, she hasn’t yet developed an appreciation for our Jersey Guido brethren…and their simple existence annoys and embarrasses her, and she doesn’t want her home and family and friends associated with the image…because she knows that Guidos are actually a minority in this state…they are just our flashiest citizens and the most fun to profile (hello, Paulie Walnuts…). Every area has their stereotype to live with (scrappy, drunk Irish thugs…love ya, Boston!...shallow, insipid, plasticized fembots…welcome to LA!). I mean, really, the lot of us in NJ (well, I am speaking for Bergen County here, as the rest of the State might as well be below the Mason-Dixon line, you know what I am saying…?) are cultured and savvy and educated and well-spoken and wear stylish yet classic fashions…well, most of us…and we take the Jersey ab.jpg)
use, because we know the truth…at least that’s the way is always was…
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use, because we know the truth…at least that’s the way is always was… But….just wait, Jersey-bashers, your day is upon us.... My beloved hometown, the beautiful and pristine Franklin Lakes, is about to be taken to task…and a "real" version of our tacky Jersey Guido persona is about to be highlighted and profiled for the entire world to see. Oh yes….Franklin Lakes is the setting for the newest installment of Bravo’s hit series: The Real Housewives of …(OC, New York, Atlanta…and now, New Jersey…) and premieres this week. Holy Mother of Sh*t. Time to move!
Ok, so things have changed a little in Franklin Lakes since the childhood I lovingly recounted a few months back…. Of course over the years the idyllic little town that revolved around Kilroy’s Wonder Market and the Indian Trail Club and 11:15 Mass at Most Blessed Sacrament has benefited in some ways from its reputation and all of those high-profile residents…but it has also had some growing pains. Some of our leafy lots and wide streets have been bulldozed to fit new neighborhoods and cul-de-sacs and Double McMansions and $2 million knock-dow
ns so that we can accommodate all the "new rich” populating the area. And there is that fleet of Escalades (white or black) with Moms sporting giant Prada sunglasses behind the wheel that have replaced the blond-bobbed, golf skirt wearing ladies in their Wagoneer "woodies" and old Mercedes sedans with college stickers filling the rear window. The Mobster vs. Prepster cold war has long been afoot and the long gone McBride brothers are spinning in their graves.... Things change…the old cliché…But...I admit it, I am curious about this new show and the five housewifey stars...I have to see how the rest of the world will now imagine what life is like in New Jersey...and in my hometown. So, I a
m lucky enough to have a dear friend, Sister K, who ranks quite high at Bravo corporate...and as a treat to her special girlfriends, she scored advance copies of the first two episodes of the new series...and this past Friday night we met at her place for a private screening, each of us carrying our favorite treat...(by the way, like a pack of starving children we scarfed those cucumber sandwiches and that cheese we simply called "Crack"...yes, that addictive...). Anyway, we gathered around the flat screen, cocktails in hand and squealed at the opening sequence which seems to be an homage to the Tony Soprano drive through the Lincoln Tunnel...though this time it is one of the Jersey Housewives in a black Mercedes crossing the GWB and driving down Route 4 and Route 208...all of our local signs visible...and the piece de resistance, the "Welcome to Franklin Lakes" sign getting a full 5 second solo close-up. And of course these women are all lovable caricatures (well, except for one whom I am quite certain is certifiable...but she's from Wayne, so that says it all....) with their upscale, spruced-up Guido husbands, giant diamond rings, guilded banisters and Tuscan-themed kitchens. And my friends and I sat there, those of us with genuine Franklin Lakes history feeling a little protective and sensitive...knowing what it used to be like... But
m lucky enough to have a dear friend, Sister K, who ranks quite high at Bravo corporate...and as a treat to her special girlfriends, she scored advance copies of the first two episodes of the new series...and this past Friday night we met at her place for a private screening, each of us carrying our favorite treat...(by the way, like a pack of starving children we scarfed those cucumber sandwiches and that cheese we simply called "Crack"...yes, that addictive...). Anyway, we gathered around the flat screen, cocktails in hand and squealed at the opening sequence which seems to be an homage to the Tony Soprano drive through the Lincoln Tunnel...though this time it is one of the Jersey Housewives in a black Mercedes crossing the GWB and driving down Route 4 and Route 208...all of our local signs visible...and the piece de resistance, the "Welcome to Franklin Lakes" sign getting a full 5 second solo close-up. And of course these women are all lovable caricatures (well, except for one whom I am quite certain is certifiable...but she's from Wayne, so that says it all....) with their upscale, spruced-up Guido husbands, giant diamond rings, guilded banisters and Tuscan-themed kitchens. And my friends and I sat there, those of us with genuine Franklin Lakes history feeling a little protective and sensitive...knowing what it used to be like... ButI'll confess...I couldn't help but develop and affinity for some of these broads. They had me cracking up at their ballbusting and pointed comments...very Jersey, for sure. And that, my friends, is a sincere compliment.So, I won't ruin any of the fun for the rest of you, but as is the show’s formula, you can all expect to see the declasse behavior, egregious wealth (one of the ladies pays for $120, 000 worth of furniture in cash...so Jersey...) and conspicuous consumption, catfights and plastic surgery, lots of tears and big hair and bad accents. Only this time the characters are a tight Jersey clan with mob ties and the backdrop will be swimming pools and tennis courts and the Market Basket. Guidos Gone Wild!
And those of us from here will just have to live with our new reality...and our new (or renewed) national image…even though we know the truth. Once 
the word was out about the town’s role in the show, so many of you have commiserated with me…calling and writing and lending me your ear…but also getting your digs in and saying “I am so glad I never lived in Franklin Lakes…” Now that is a laugh…we should all enjoy the blessings of living in a place like Franklin Lakes… And as I said…just like Andie and the Guidos…it is a little embarrassing to be associated with a stereotype and an aesthetic that is exaggerated and ridiculous…and I think my friends and I are more interesting in one day than these ladies will be in a whole season -- hello...who can beat a drama-filled finger-severing? anyone??? Still these folks are a part of the mosaic that makes the state of New Jersey one of the most colorful, hilarious, intriguing, rocking places on the planet. I am secure in myself…I can live with it…because these ladies may be laughable, but at least they are genuine and know exactly who they are. I think these Real Housewives will secretly warm all of our hearts with their Jersey vibe…you know it’s true…deep down, who doesn’t love a Jersey Girl?
the word was out about the town’s role in the show, so many of you have commiserated with me…calling and writing and lending me your ear…but also getting your digs in and saying “I am so glad I never lived in Franklin Lakes…” Now that is a laugh…we should all enjoy the blessings of living in a place like Franklin Lakes… And as I said…just like Andie and the Guidos…it is a little embarrassing to be associated with a stereotype and an aesthetic that is exaggerated and ridiculous…and I think my friends and I are more interesting in one day than these ladies will be in a whole season -- hello...who can beat a drama-filled finger-severing? anyone??? Still these folks are a part of the mosaic that makes the state of New Jersey one of the most colorful, hilarious, intriguing, rocking places on the planet. I am secure in myself…I can live with it…because these ladies may be laughable, but at least they are genuine and know exactly who they are. I think these Real Housewives will secretly warm all of our hearts with their Jersey vibe…you know it’s true…deep down, who doesn’t love a Jersey Girl? And if you don't?....well, you know, I am more than happy to make room for you on my "list" right behind Bono....
Photo 1: The beautiful and brilliant Andie...looking for a pack of Guidos to crucify...
Photo 2: Tom Cruise and his lovah, Will Smith....kind of hard to keep my fist from planting itself right in the middle of that pic...
Photo 3: You know this is just a shot of him staring at himself in the mirror, right?
Photo 4: Some serious Guidos making the scene somewhere outside of Lodi and to the left of Clifton...
Photo 5: Bar A, Belmar, NJ...the Jersey Guido's natural habitat....you get contact 'roid rage just driving past...
Photo 6: Me and Ellie last summer...proof that real Jersey girls effortlessly rock the Vineyard Vines....
Photo 7: The Franklin Lakes clocktower....another bizarre new addition to town...
Photo 8: Actual Franklin Lakes home...just minutes before the wrecking ball takes it out to make room for a bigger one...
Photo 9: This guy lives in Franklin Lakes...Rob claims he's some national treasure or something...
Photo 10: The real Real Housewives of New Jersey....I so wouldn't want to piss off these broads...
Photo 11: Our summer backdrop: Dad's pool...
Photo 12: Gwen, Sam and me...if there were camera crews following the three of us around, forgetaboutit...Must See TV for sure!
7 comments:
Nobody says it better than Bruce Springsteen singing Tom Waits:
Now baby won't you come with me
`cause down the shore everything's all right
You and your baby on a saturday night
Nothing matters in this whole wide world
When you're in love with a jersey girl
As a transplant to New Jersey, I have to admit that I've had many a chuckle at the realness of the Jersey stereotypes (just visit Garden State Plaza on a Saturday night, as I did recently - where it is ALL there on full display!) BUT...I also have to say that every time I hear Bruce's "Jersey Girl" on the radio, I get a little pang of envy (after all - no one has ever penned a ditty called "Pennsylvania Girl"). My only solace is that one day in the not too distant future some young gold-rope-chain-wearing Jersey guy will get all liquored up at Jenkinson's, grab the microphone and serenade one of my daughters with the tune. You see, my girls ARE Jersey girls...and I couldn't be more proud! Great post as always, Suz.
I CAN NOT wait to watch this show -- I saw the preview, and I'm so jealous that you already saw the first two episodes -- cheater!
One weekend many moons ago I was heading to Fire Island for the weekend, as was my buddy Dominick. He said that he was getting a ride over from LI in his friend's boat and offered me a ride. I gladly accepted and was greeted by Vinnie, Gooch, Sal, and a few other guidos. Once I got over the shock of the hair gel and gold chains, I realized....they were really nice too.
Great post, my friend!
NOBODY puts Jersey (specifically Franklin Lakes) into words quite like you! Your blog is my favorite new addiction! Much love- Lacey
You made my evening! As a child of Franklin Lakes, who remembers all it once was, I too am finding myself drawn to the real housewives...like that really bad car crash with the helicopters right over head!
Thank you Ritt
The ultimate Irony is that I married a MA boy whos friends were relentless in teasing snied comments and jokes until they attended my wedding in Spring Lake where the comment was - WOW Jersey (as they call it) is really nice - of course my directions to home did not include a Turnpike ride GSP all the way - BTW I danced with the best man (another MA closed in attitude boy) to Jersey Girl and made agoal/ point of kissing one real guido when I rented a house in Belmar in 93...FUN and worth a joke
Thanks Suz
Jen Walsh
Suz, I remember that night and that car ride like it was yesterday. I do think you omitted props for the guidos' roof deck over the WAWA. Like Scarlet O'Hara you were attracted to the land! Absolutely hysterical.
XO MURPH
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