...From Where It Is That I Come From...

The Clap Out....

If you are from Wyckoff, you know what I mean.... and I don't know, even if you are not from here, you may still know...but I didn't know what a Clap Out was until last year at this time, when Ellie was a 4th grader...

Now she's a 5th grader...the oldest kids in the school...and Thursday afternoon Ellie and Washington School 5th grade Class of 2011 will exit their classrooms at 12:55 p.m., walk through the hallways passing every classroom along the way...they will pass the art room and the resource room and the media center and the gym and the main office until they come to the front door. During the walk, the rest of the students and all the teachers and staff will stand outside their rooms and offices, cheering and applauding the 5th graders as they walk out of Washington School for the very last time as a class...as students...as little kids. A Clap Out. And we parents will be waiting on the front circle clapping as they exit...though I don't know how I will do that because I am weeping just imagining this taking place...shaking a little as I write this down.

This is one of the traditions that reminds me why we are lucky to live in a small town...how we all know one another's kids and parents and dogs and we look out for each other....and we know each of those kids that will be Clapped Out Thursday afternoon...and the next day we will turn around and they will be graduating from College...just like that.

When it came time to have children and settle in a home of our own, we considered the entire New York metropolitan area...we thought maybe we would stay in Manhattan...but one thing of which we were certain was that we wanted more than one child, and that seemed difficult to impossible for the City living we envisioned. So we looked in Fairfield County for a while...and we drove around Garden City looking at Open Houses for a day too. The front-runner had been Northern Westchester for a while... But who was I kidding? I was lying the whole time...I had a different front-runner in mind. My family is here...it's where I am from...I knew I was coming back all along.

I always say that I from here...but truth is, I am not from Wyckoff, per se...I am from Franklin Lakes...the next town over... And you may not believe that these little towns that share a high school could possibly be anything but carbon copies, but as connected and

related as the two towns are...sister towns, even...they are different...and the people they breed are different from each other too. When we settled in Wyckoff, much to my own surprise, I

was kind of a stranger to the way of life....I mean, we had just left The City, where I am pretty sure we said hello to our next door neighbor only once in 4 years...and that was when we found him making out with some girl in our doorway... And you know, I expected this place to be just like my hometown less than a mile down Franklin Avenue... See, growing up in Franklin Lakes our social scene had revolved around seeing our neighborhood friends at The Indian Trail Club and 11:15 Mass at Most Blessed Sacrament...we had tennis lessons and swim team and cookouts in The Club's "Grove" every Friday in the summertime. But we lived on properties that distanced you from your closest neighbors...and we didn't play in the street or the front lawn very much...it was backyard living all the way. And Franklin Lakes was a fantastic place to grow up...it still is... But I was unprepared when I moved here, and frankly, not all that comfortable with my Wyckoff neighbors out mowing their lawns wanting to talk to me and comment on the color of my front door or the fence we put in

or the tree that was creaking near the swing set. I was surprised on Labor Day that first year when people parked all up and down our street so they could easily walk to the fireworks at Memorial Field... I was confused when

the whole town lined Wyckoff Avenue to watch the kids walk in the Memorial Day parade together... And there were block parties and

playground visits and fishing derbies and Friday nights at Brookside...all these picture-perfect, small town moments for our family to become a part of...

Soon I got used to it here and I immersed myself in the scene... I began inviting neighbors for a Labor Day barbecue and letting the kids walk in the parade and making appetizers for the block party and planning my day around the playground and talking to the neighbors about my new fence and paint colors and the creaky trees....

And my kids grew and I volunteered and hosted parties and made very dear friends...and in the

blink of an eye, we arrived at this year and I became PTO President. And even then...with all that "immersion," I found, truthfully, that fish-out-of-water feeling comes back sometimes. As much as I love being involved, sometimes being a part of all that overwhelmed me...sometimes I felt...I still feel...like it can be hard to hide...that everyone knew my business...that we shared our lives so openly with so many people here... It can be a difficult balance to strike...I want to be a part of the community...I want to have an impact and for people to know our kids and my parents and the dog and I want people to look out for us...but I want to be alone sometimes too. I don't know...was it possible all along I was meant to be somewhere else? I began to wonder when, if ever, I would...or could...retreat...

Then late this Spring the town, and the school, suffered a tragedy...a heartbreaking loss that shook us all....and it was then that I was again reminded of the beauty of being from a small town... Being surrounded by people, even those who aren't in your social circle, who will step up to help you...to support your family...to band together...without a second thought. I know this phenomena often occurs surrounding tragedy...but being in a position now where people came to me for direction, I saw the overwhelming outreach that was offered firsthand...and to say I was beyond moved is an understatement...

And I remembered why I wanted my family rooted here in the first place...because we are the kind of people who stand outside the elementary schools and clap as loud as we can for our kids...because most of these 5th graders have been here since they were babies...and they are a part of all of us...the future moms and dads who will carry on these close-knit traditions and love for what makes us the community of families that we are...

And so...the Clap Out...

Maybe our Principal said it best the night of the 5th grade musical...his words straightforward, but filled with meaning...we all knew, even as he commended the kids and their terrific performance of, fittingly, The Wizard of Oz...we knew that he was referring to the outpouring of heart and passion that had flowed this Spring...and I can't think of a better way to express how I am feeling...what I want these kids to remember when they look back upon this moment in time...when we turn around in a second and they are graduating from College...

"There's no place like home..."

Photos:

1. Kindergarten Ellie...2005

2. 5th grade Ellie, with great pal, Alysse...2011

3. The Wyckoff train stop...where I have never seen a train stop...

4. At the Labor Day fireworks, my boys and Matthew...2010

5. Will's first Wyckoff Memorial Day parade...2011

6. Some friends from town commonly known as The Sistas...2010

7. My three...enjoying a summer afternoon at Indian Trail Club...just like I had before them...

Rains, Pains & Fashion Migraines...

"It was like a high school party, only with adults...." Colleen S., April, 2011

More on that later....

HI my long lost, beloved friends....I know, it's been well over a month, almost two...the many distractions and expended energies that filled those days are behind us...the sun is beginning to shine and summer is coming... and, well, I missed you, so thus it continues...

So, the night before the Royal Wedding, my pop culture soulmate, Lisa A. posted a greeting from someecards.com on my Facebook page... It said: "Remember to pretend you're hungover instead of tired from being up since 4 a.m. watching the Royal Wedding..." Haha...loved it (and "liked" it)...I giggled and chuckled and maybe even chortled a bit, and then moved on. I already told you that I had been distracted and expending energies all month, so surprisingly, I was sort of only half paying attention to the Royal build-up...I wasn't really caring who the hell designed the dress and I didn't totally tune in every morning on Today when Natalie Morales would give us some tidbit of the day about Kate's shopping trips or Wills' bachelor party... In fact, I am one of the few people on the planet who is more interested in the Prince of Wales than in his sons (love him!)...although, let's be honest, almost all of us, including most of you guys out there, would totally give Harry a little sweet stuff if we had a shot...admit it...he's the bad boy ginger prince...who wouldn't? But I digress...all I am saying is that as a girl...as someone who has a sensitive soul and a romantic bone buried somewhere beneath all of this snark, I was absolutely planning to TiVo the wedding...but damned if I was going to haul my bum out from under the covers at 4 a.m. for the pre-game show... So there would be no need whatsoever to pretend I was hungover...because I had grand plans to sleep until 6:30, g**dammit!

God was laughing because my plan got derailed somewhere around 3:30 a.m. when I found myself in bed -- alert and staring wide-eyed in the dark at the ceiling, mind racing, Will's feet firmly lodged into my left kidney... And then spending the next two hours willing myself unsuccessfully back to sleep...then moving all over that bed trying to find a comfy spot...then clearing my brain...then watching The Real Housewives of New York City....then accepting my fate...it was 5:45 a.m...I turned on the Royal Wedding.

Of course we all know what happens when you decide to stay up now that you have wasted two precious hours trying to sleep...well naturally I started to feel groggy and headachey and dizzy...and dammitall, I had no choice but to power through, because I had to get my kids out and go to the office....which I did... Frankly, I don't recall showering or dressing, though clearly, I did....because when I finally had a moment of clarity at about 11 a.m., I found that Lisa A.'s someecard prediction was becoming a reality...I might as well have been hungover, because I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered who the hell that blind homeless lady who dressed herself so abominably was that was staring back at me from the bathroom mirror...

But it was me...I had become victim to that notorious karmic slap in the face -- the F***ed Up Hangover Outfit. Cr*p!!!!!!

Now don't tell me you haven't been there...at least you women...because we all have. You enjoyed Thursday night Happy Hour so much so that you ended up at the diner til 2 a.m. eating Disco Fries even though you had to be in the office at 8:30 for the Friday conference call. And when you woke up with that stabbing pain behind your eyes and the sand-papery throat and the gurgling somewhere in your stomach, you somehow get yourself ready for work...and for whatever insane reason, you think charcoal grey J.Crew stretch twill minnie pants, a navy blue Vineyard Vines t-shirt with a boat anchor adorning your chest, a cornflower blue ribbon-belt, a sky-blue J.Crew "Jackie" cardigan and your silver Tory Burch "Thora" sandals is the ensemble that will give you the strength to take on the day. Yes, my friends...I actually went out of the house with those fine items -- lovely on their own but beyond craptastic in an outfit -- all to gether on my body at one time. Not one of the shades of blue were complementary to one another...and the sandals and the fun, casual, coastal-themed t-shirt paired with the dark, maudlin grey minnie pants almost made me look as if I was dressed for casual cocktails on the water when I dropped a margarita on my white pants and had to substitute with whatever was laying on the floor of the closet...I looked like an a**. I am not sure if the stabbing pain behind your eyes actually color-blinds you, or if the alcohol withdrawal saps your brain of all your fashion sense, but this phenomena is real and it is frightening! And I wasn't even hungover!!! I didn't even get to hit the diner at 2 a.m. for Disco Fries...I was in bed by 11...but still, I was rewarded for a night of no sleep with a non -alcoholic hangover and a truly legendary f***ed up hangover outfit... I didn't even have to pretend.

But on the brighter side....thank G*d I didn't have to work the day after Sam's birthday celebration two weeks ago...because I am sure that outfit would have topped even the non-hangover Royal Wedding look. And I would have been limping to boot...

Ok...so remember back to the very beginning and my dear Colleen's perfectly spot-on quote? Sam' s birthday most definitely was like a high school party with adults...we had The. Best. Time. Forget the Skinny Girl margaritas and the cannoli cake and the artichoke dip and the absolutely gorgeous, fabulous group of women that are our friends ....all fantastic, of course...but instead, think back to that Saturday of soaking, torrential, monsoon-like rains...that was the night we celebrated, and honestly, I think that added to the fun. People always think rain will ruin a party...but I have not found that...we all know my history with Nor'easters on wedding days and communion parties and in the middle of PTO speeches... I have always found that the crazy bad weather somehow creates a deeper bond among the people who are celebrating together...and the party is exponentially more festive and fun...everyone is thrilled to be together, dry and happy, cocktailing away...

And that was exactly how the night developed at Sam's...

So, the high school party broke out in the middle of the grown up cocktail party shortly after the cake was served...someone turned the music louder and on came "F*** You" by Cee-Lo ("and though there's pain in my chest, I still wish you the best....")....and so me and TJ and ADP and Lisa and Joan and Sam started to dance and sing ("F*** you and f*** her too!")....I saw our friends in the other room checking us out, secretly longing to join the fun but needing another cocktail to make that happen...and then Sam pressed her lips on the French doors leading to the bar area, and Colleen pressed hers back on the other side...the party was on!! Colleen busted through that door and, as is her style, ramped up the energy with her flexible, bendable body and wild dance moves... Next thing I know, Suse and Danielle and Christine and Janine joined in....and that's when Sam and Colleen picked up the dining room table...food s till on it...and hastily moved it up against the wall... And then Christine did "The Worm" across the open floor.... That's right...The Worm.

Totally awesome...

So of course now that there was no table, everyone was smacking their head on the chandelier...especially the guys, who joined in around the time Nancy and Katie and Mary hit the floor... And I am not sure

which Joe it was who grabbed the broom handle, but the next thing I knew, my friends and their husbands were doing "The Limbo." And it was all of them...no one was shy...even

the most pulled-together party-goers (talking to you, CDP...you too, Tim H...)...everyone was bending and twisting and falling flat on their 40 year old (and beyond) backs...and then Joan grabs my arm and is like: "Let's limbo together!" And I am gripped with fear as she grabs me...all I can think is that I have a little pleated skirt on, 4-inch high red patent leather slingbacks...and that limbo pole is pretty damn low...there was no way in hell the entire party wouldn't be treated to some kind of show if I went through with it....so I panic and screech, louder than I should have:

"Joan! I can't limbo! I am wearing a thong!"

And, not risking any extra exposure limboing away in her cute pants she says: "No big deal, so am I..." I told you we were a fabulous group of women...

So it went on like that...and we kept dancing...and we kept singing...and Scott played DJ...and we threw the obligatory arms around one another, telling each other how much fun we were having and how much we loved each other and how happy we were to have spent this pissy, rainy night at this most amazing party of the season...

And you know, we are lucky to have one another...to even have friends who love us, though they really don't have to, but they still do.

I left at 1:15 and there were still 20 people left behind... And the next morning I felt pretty good other than having a broken knee and no feeling in my toes... Still, no f***ed up hangover outfit in sight, though that's probably because I stayed in my sleeping tank top and shorts til the afternoon. I was one of the lucky ones...some of us ended up in bed for

two days...and bruised all over...and carrying their husband or wife home through the rain...all of which are always a sign of a great time, I think...

Well, that and sporting a totally F***ed Up Hangover Outfit the next morning...

xoxo

PS A late Happy Birthday to my BFFL, Allison...love you forever!!!

Photos:

1. (clockwise) Susan, Joe C., Danielle, Colleen, me and Scott...sweaty, breathless and flipping the bird...clearly the end of the evening was upon us...
2. Which one is the boring Prince???
3. Lisa A. is so sweet to remind me I should plan my lies well in advance...
4. (back row, left to right) Katie, Sam, Me, Lisa A., TJ; (front) ADP and Joan...still ladylike and pulled together...no one knows what we have on underneath our clothes quite yet...
5. Me, Lisa A. and Gwen...I feel we look secretly guilty and I wish I could remember why...hmmmm....
6. Colleen and Suse...I mean, come now...this just speaks for itself...
7. Some gorgeous and fabulous women who make up our friends...and no, that's not George Hamilton on the left there...Mary is much tanner than he is!
8. Christine and Scott...post-Worm, maybe? Scott looks impressed either way...
9. Colleen and Sam...I think Colleen is demo-ing what "Wyckoff-sized" is exactly...
10. Lisa A. and Joan getting down...with me as random sidekick...
11. Sam, Colleen and Me...being upstaged by Suse and Scott...
12. Sam, Me, Katie, Mary, ADP and Suse...a kickline? Really? Gorgeous and fabulous, nonetheless...

So Raise Your Glass...For Me...

Imagine that...my birthday and the kickoff to Lent falling within the same week... I mean, we all know I am going to do everything I am not supposed to do on my birthday anyway...and there you go, like a kiss from Baby Jesus himself, the anniversary of my birth falls one day short of those dreadful 40 days of (fake...nonexistent...) abstaining (again this year I am adopting a Sheen-like disregard for sacrificing...in fact, am adding some new bad behaviors for good measure...) and lands right on top of the world's greatest celebration of sin and debauchery, Fat Tuesday!!!! How apropos!

So...never being one to hold back from celebrating the blessings I enjoy -- that I am still here...that I love and am loved...that there is endless potential in the future...that I just know we have so many happy moments ahead of us -- I decided I would spend the birthday/Fat Tuesday lead-in by indulging my whims...well, more so than I normally do, though probably not the ways in which a tiger-blooded warlock might...

First, I decided it was my prerogative to go all badass and bought myself a pair of mirrored-lens aviator glasses while shopping with Ellie on the Lower East Side....and since they make me look like I am paying homage to Erik Estrada in CHiPs, I am thinking I need one of those naughty cop costumes they sell at Party Fair to go along with the shades.... You know, I'll wear it to the next PTO meeting or something...

And that was just the beginning...

Friday night Marisa and I agreed to accompany one another to a parents' social for our boys' swim team...and we showed up with a bottle of champagne and party girl enthusiasm... And this is kind of a side note, but we were greeted with suspicion by the women and thinly veiled curiosity from the men. I guess I can understand -- two women without husbands in tow, 10 years younger than the rest of the guests, wearing skinny jeans and carrying champagne. As I popped the cork and Marisa chatted up our sweet and gracious hostess, I caught two women about three feet away from us whispering to one another, and I see one snappily say "I have no idea who she is..." as she sneaks a glance at me....and I catch her eye, hold her gaze and raise my eyebrow at her...she turned purple and looked away. She spent the rest of the night hovering around us awkwardly. It's my birthday week...I am taking sh*t from nobody. Maybe I am a tiger-blooded warlock after all...

So, anyway...after about an hour, Marisa and I skip out and show up by surprise at TJ's door...she was already in pj's, but in we went for some Cabernet as she scoured the kitchen for some snacks, which were unnecessary considering this was a guerrilla attack cocktail party...but somehow she compiled a bizarre selection that we scarfed anyway -- Tostitos, brownies, BabyBel "lite" cheeses and Milk Duds...went well with the Cabernet... Winning!

So then early Saturday morning, Ellie happened to crawl into bed with me, waking me...and at that pre-dawn moment, I said: "Let's go shoe shopping today..." And like a good enabling daughter, she heartily agreed just before dozing off, snuggled up next to me. Later on, at Nordstrom, I bought her a pair of rainbow colored Converse sneakers and a pair of 5-inch high, platform-toed Joan & David sparkly platinum pumps for me ...What? they are very practical... Then we shared Crunchburgers and coffee ice cream shakes at Bobby's Burger Palace, totally snagging the last two empty seats before we even ordered our feast... And putting the "fat" in Fat Tuesday, I ate the juicy deliciousness with Ellie knowing full well that Rhonda and I are going back to BBP for a birthday lunch on Tuesday afternoon... Again, winning!

I wore my new 5-inch high, platform toed, sparkly platinum Joan & Davids on Saturday evening when the hometown posse gathered for the 2nd Annual Escape The Winter Doldrums party at The Brick House...and during dinner I sat with Pina, Colleen and the Pauls and we spoke of Pina and Paul's visit to Vegas a few weeks back, which inevitably brought us to settle on the subject of lap dances...how they differ when administered to a woman as opposed to a man...and we wondered what really goes on in the Champagne Room for the starting price of $250...pretty sure the champagne is not what is being ingested, but maybe I am wrong. So this all brought us to land on the fascinating discussion of br**sts...big, small, real and fake. The conversation was peppered with hysterical laughter from we ladies and wide-eyed amazement/suppressed delight from the Pauls. Sandy stopped by to give us some good-natured ribbing on our decibel level and Pina's Paul told him that while the female anatomy conversation started on the highbrow and quickly devolved to lowbrow, it was still damn good throughout... We're here to please! Stupidly, I didn't eat a bite at the party...still afraid of seafood cross-contamination...but I am pretty certain, in a room full of 50 people, I polished off most of the Prosecco on the bar by myself....my homage to the Champagne Room, I guess. The waiters eventually just handed me the bottle and walked away. Hey...it's my own personal Mardi Gras, remember???

So here I sit, the week not even officially kicked off and I am already spent...and I have all kinds of things to get to still in this celebration of life -- Sundaes at Bischoff's...Mojito Monday at Sabor (and no, that isn't an official promotion, that's just how I am spending Monday night...)... BBP Part Deux... There will be birthday cake with the kids...homemade birthday cards and love notes...birthday cocktails with the inner circle at Endless Vine...manicure-pedicure and more shoe shopping...a month full of dinner dates...looking ahead to my annual trip to Longboat Key with Susan, Mary and Sam...

And even if all of that gets canceled and postponed or whatever...even then, I will feel completely fulfilled and blissful this birthday season, because I am still here...I love and am loved...there is endless potential in the future...and I just know we have so many happy moments ahead of us.

Blessed and lucky....

Thank you all for being so incredibly special to me these past 34 years (stop laughing)....and may we enjoy many moments together in the decades ahead... Here's to a debaucherous Fat Tuesday and the Lenten experience you so desire... I will see you on Holy Thursday for a dive-barring celebration of the end of your abstinence...

Kisses and hugs from the Champagne Room...
xoxo, Suz

P.S. Super Happy Birthday and lots of love to Nance and ADP, who share this week with me, and whom I assure you, are much older than me.

Photos:

1. Cute little 7 year old Suz in a Dorothy Hamill haircut, March of 1977. To me this looks exactly like my Tim in a bowl cut wig and a dress...

2. Badass in my mirrored cop shades...just pretend I am not wearing the decidedly unthreatening tweed jacket and magenta scarf along with...

3. Motley cocktail party fare...what bar would be complete without Milk Duds???

4. My feet in the new sparkly platinum 5-inchers...beauty is pain...

5. The first Crunchburger of the week...

6. Hometown posse escaping Winter Doldrums...my champagne and Pina's cleavage taking center stage, of course...

7. We must have been taking the lap dance/Champagne Room talk on tour because these guys look extra happy...

8. Gramatically incorrect, but yummy, heartfelt love note from my sweet little darling Will...one of the three best gifts I have ever been given...

I Got All My Sisters With Me...

So last Wednesday morning, I awoke fully expecting the snow to have piled up over the garage doors, barely allowing me to peek from my bedroom windows. They had cancelled school the night prior and every report predicted another Snowpocalypse 2011… Well maybe for you poor dears in Boston…and even my Long Island and Connecticut posse got kind of slammed…but here in The BC (don’t even pretend you don’t know that means Bergen County…)…here in The BC there was no Snowpocalypse that day…in fact, this storm didn’t even qualify as Snowtorious B.I.G. (trademark: Brett B…)…when I woke, the driveway had been plowed and the roads were wet, but clear. Yeah baby!!

So…what else was I to do with no school and a fridge full of healthful and fresh ingredients I misguidedly bought thinking I would be inside all day making Julia’s potage parmentier and my own perfect roast chicken… You know, just an aside…I think we can agree that preparing for a blizzard has little to do with milk, bread and rock salt…it’s all about the junk food and trashy magazines… Case in point, take note of this photo of my shopping cart from my blizzard planning trip to Stop & Shop before Snowmageddon 2010 last winter….THAT’s how a Rittereiser prepares for a storm… Don't worry, though fiscally irresponsible, most of that cr*p never made it to our plates and was tossed out a month later when I needed to make room in the freezer... This time, though, I restrained myself…it was all about leeks and potatoes and baguette and Abma’s free range chicken…ok and some Breyer’s for the ice cream shake making… Anyway, I digress…that all sat in the fridge an extra day (though the potage made a lovely lunch for Sam and I that Friday…), because I pulled Ellie aside, out of the boys’ earshot, and she and I made a secret plan to hit the first showing of the day at AMC Garden State (the same place Sam and I saw the soft core masterpiece Black Swan interrupted by the mid-flick fire alarm…).

After a debate over what to see, we called it a draw…I would see The Fighter and she would see Little Fockers…and girl, don’t! with any judginess that I willingly sent her into a screening room alone…Allison and I were fully trying on lipsticks and feather earrings at Wayne Hills Mall by the time we were ten and we turned out perfectly fine…well, she did, at least. So, of course I wanted to see The Fighter...I make no secret of my love affair with Mark Wahlberg (just don't tell Russell Crowe...)...and who wouldn't want to spend two hours marveling at a scrawny, sweaty, cracked-out Christian Bale rocking the most deliciously low-class version of the trademark Boston accent... But...it was the trashy mom sporting a wardrobe comprised of circa '90 rejects they must have unearthed from a Dumpster behind Boland Hall at Stonehill...and the gaggle of scrappy, loudmouth sisters that completely made the film for me...

Those. Broads. Ruled! The mom is in a league of all by herself...and the sisters, well they captivated me completely with their proud inactivity and endless undermining and misguided direction. Oh of course, the story of family ties, sibling rivalry, loyalty, love, hurt, loss and redemption was good too...it was great, actually...I loved it. But those women....they were such true to life characters in my opinion -- bad fashion sense, a decade behind the times, high-hair, scrunchies and cans of beer...the men around them rendered b*ll-less...while they are filled with fear and suspicion, yet always out there with their thoughts...like they couldn't help themselves, they had to weigh in and opine on subjects and issues of no consequence, yet were blind to -- or perhaps just content in -- the f***ed-uppedness all around them. I found myself a little envious -- ignorance truly is bliss!

So this is all well and good...uneventful...Ellie and I met up in the theater lobby afterwards and went to lunch at Johnny Rockets (talk about trashy...)...and I put the Marky Mark Sisters out of my head as we grilled the waitress on whether the cooks made the fries in the same fryer as the clam strips...

And then, as the week progressed it was like the Marky Mark Sisters were following me...I was tripping over them! I swear, everywhere I went, I encountered loud, angry women with questionable fashion sense, high bangs in a color I don't believe exists naturally, and an impatient glare...all that was missing was the beer, cigarettes and a herd of similarly dressed women surrounding her... Have these women always been backing up lines, talking to themselves, demanding the authorities be called and verbally abusing shop clerks all over Franklin Lakes and Wyckoff for years and I am just noticing them now?

There was the Marky Mark Sister on line at Dunkin' Donuts who began speaking to me when the 50-ish Hispanic clerk had the nerve to ask his manager the proper way to ring up her order with her discount card:

Her: "I mean...what country are we in, right? I mean...he doesn't understand me...he can't read...he can't speak English...isn't that the worst? I hate that. Don't you hate that?"

Me: Hummana hummana hummana...sheepish giggle...catch the clerk's eyes, which he rolls...I see him everyday...he speaks English just fine...

Her: "I mean it really p**ses me off that he can't read the coupon...I should get behind the counter and ring it up myself...I used to work at a Dunkin' Donuts, you know..."

Me: Uncomfortable smile...frantic fake texting to avoid awkwardness...

Her: "You really should get one of these Ramapo High School Boosters discount cards...they're great!"

Me: (to myself) I'll pass...

Then there was the Marky Mark Sister/Usherette at the Helen Hayes Theater on 44th Street...Trish C. and I were there to see Colin Quinn in his (hilarious!!) one-man show, Long Story Short....and first the Marky Mark Sister snapped at Trish, saying she wasn't allowed to lean on the steps while we waited to enter the theater...and then she wanted to throw down with us when Trish placed her Playbill on the ledge in the front mezzanine... Later Colin covered the historically great fight-starting skills of the Irish and for a minute, he was kind of resembling a Marky Mark Sister too...

Then somehow Ellie talked me into hitting Garden State Plaza on Saturday afternoon, which is against my religion and a rule I had not broken in at least 15 years. So there were countless Marky Mark Sisters entering Hot Topic (none in Abercrombie though...), but the one we encountered who was my favorite was on line at the pre-teen hellhole, Justice....she wore a bedazzled Steelers jersey (sorry Scott!) and spent no less than 15 minutes yelling at the 18 year old shopgirl because she was sent two discount cards and could not combine the offers on one sale. What is it with these b**ches and the discount cards!?!

And then this Tuesday morning, I braved the icy mix and headed back to the famous DDs for my morning iced latte...and as I walk toward the door I hear sirens blaring...and a policeman in a SUV peals around the corner and parks facing the wrong way in a spot parallel to the curb....I figure he's on an emergency doughnut run for the guys at the station, so I ignore him...you know, gotta get my latte... I enter the shop and immediately notice a woman sitting next to the pick up area of the counter...sitting in a chair as if it is exhausting to wait 30 seconds for a coffee and a nasty, microwaved egg and cheese croissant... And she's wearing an office gal outfit circa '94 with kitten-heeled ankle boots and a busted version of the Nicole Kidman ringlets from Far and Away, only not ethereal at all....and again I thought: "Marky Mark's sisters from The Fighter are all over the place this week..."

Next the cops come through the door and the manager points to Marky Mark's Sister at the end of the counter...and the officer approaches, pulls out his pad and inquires on the problem...

Her: "I slipped on the ice...."

Cop: "Ok, are you hurt? Did you hit your head?"

Her: "No. I fell on my butt...and I want to file a police report..."

Cop: "Uh....ok...there's an ambulance on the way too..."

Her: "Oh, I don't want one...I have to get to work, I just want to file my report and go..."

WTF??????? I almost broke my kneecap last week in the parking lot of Pediatric Dentistry, but I got back up and skipped into the office like nothing was wrong so no one would laugh at me...

Could this chick have been looking for a payday on a simple butt bruise? Wearing her slippery kitten heels on the one day that every meteorologist on the East Coast had warned would be slick and icy? The cops were nice and accommodating to The Sister though...and the concerned landlord, owner of the fancy clothing store adjacent who happens to be named Suzanne too, showed up in her $1,600 Prada riding boots and mink vest...and a bucket of rock salt. That was actually the best part of the whole exchange, watching chic Suzanne spread salt on the sidewalk while the cops took The Sister's statement...

Aside from the other Suzanne's stylish yet inappropriate snow shoveling ensemble, this whole scene was pretty out of the ordinary in sleepy, pristine Wyckoff...but leave it to our police department to send four officers and an ambulance crew to cover one litigious fashion nightmare with a butt bruise... I was almost expecting a movie scene to break out right there...for Micky and Dickey to show up with the gaggle of sisters in tow to rough up the cops and make a mess of the well-maintained situation. So...I took my exit...marveling yet again at how the Marky Mark Sisters barely have to lift a finger (or a butt, in this case...) or brush their hair or put on makeup or be polite or act rationally...and still they always end up rendering the entire room b*ll-less...

Told you those broads ruled...

Photos:

1. All the food groups are represented...see, there are Strawberry Pop Tarts...that's fruit!

2. Funny how the sweaty look can be so off-putting on one and so deliciously enticing on the other...

3. Obviously not models for The Sisters...my high school friends in 1988...none of these sexy ensembles ended up in any dormitory Dumpsters...

4. The Sisters looking lovely for their close up...

5. ...And sporting some hot threads...

6. ...And sitting on their butts waiting for the cops to take their statements...

7. The Other Suzanne...as portrayed by Rachel Zoe...fur and thousands of dollars of luxury leather goods...that's just an average snowsuit here in The BC...

She Was Sent To Rescue Me...

So Tuesday morning I finally crawled out from under the post-Christmas gift-and-food hangover/holiday malaise/Snow-ma-f*%#ing-geddon...and though the cookie bloat and champagne brain freeze still gripped me a little bit, Sam and I rustled up the energy to hit a noon showing of Black Swan at AMC Garden State Plaza... Yes, that's right, we actually drove our a**es to the world's most widely visited mall along with every other bonehead in the tri-state area the day after a huge snowstorm closed said mall for an entire extra day post-Christmas, just so we could watch Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in some sadistic, soft-core ballet torture fantasy. And if that wasn't enough insanity for the day, right in the middle of some s**ually tense scene on the ballet studio floor, the film was cut off, screen going black...and lights began to flash in the theater...and there was a loud honking sound...and over the loudspeaker a recorded female robot voice said: "A fire emergency has been detected in this part of the building, please walk to the nearest exit and depart the building immediately." And I am kind of dumbfounded for a second, like "is this part of Natalie Portman's scary f***ked up fantasy or are we really being evac'd?..." Sam and I look at one another and the announcement comes on again...everyone stands up and we all walk out...into a sea of other confused movie-goers exiting the other 15 theaters...and we are all ushered out the door and told to wait in the mall until the theater is checked and secured. This was not the relaxing afternoon alone in the dark with my own secret thoughts that I had in mind...

I stood in front of the Roxy store among the expelled movie-goers and texted Rob to report the fire emergency/evac developments and to let him know I might be late getting the boys...and his initial response -- "OMG!" -- was followed by a second that said: "This is from Ellie: Mommy r u ok?" My heart pinched...how sweet she is....I hadn't thought anyone would be worrying about my safety in this setting...likely an electronic glitch related to snow melting on the roof of the theater and knocking out wires or something. Still, I tend to forget about the fear that grips a child with any possible inkling that his or her parent may be in danger...or hurt or sad or pressured or frustrated.

I am straight with my three always, very likely to a fault...any question, I answer, no matter the sensitivity...and by now I guess I figured they would have built up a wall, almost jaded with knowledge of issues and subjects that might be morally ambiguous or confusing or hard to process...but somehow, even with this openness, Ellie has maintained an innocence about her as well, so what did I expect from her anyway...

like: "oh Mom's just stuck in a fire emergency, not to worry!" Never...not Ellie...she astounds me daily with her unabashed and natural instinct to put others before herself...she is a truly thoughtful person...buying gifts

for the neighbors at the school's Holiday Store...drawing pictures for her teachers...throwing her arms around my parents and telling them "I love you!" at the top of her voice no matter who hears...picking flowers for her cousin...throwing a surprise party for a friend and insisting we make blue-frosted cupcakes because that is her friend's favorite color...always looking out for her brothers, wanting their safety and happiness...and even comforting me when her young mind and open heart are instinctively aware that her mother is hurt or sad or pressured or frustrated... She is a genuinely kind being....and somehow, she is mine...

This New Year's Day marks Ellie's 11th birthday...you all know...you all remember she is the Y2K Baby, so I will skip that part this time. I just wanted to write about her again this year because she's turning into a pre-teen for real now, and I am pretty certain that I don't tell her enough how perfectly awesome I think she is... Ellie is my first....my truest love, whose birth transformed me. Earlier this year, Will and she were talking at the breakfast table and he said: "Ellie, you are a very special child...you are the one who made Mommy and Daddy parents..." Too sweet...so true...that firstborn is so very special to all of us...and she is my only girl, and that has been even more special for me...I always thought I would have more daughters, that she would be the greatest big sister to another little girl...but instead, she and I have only one another.

I talk about my three all the time, so you know so much about what they say and where they go and what they do...but there are a few things I love about Ellie that only those of us who share her life really know...and in the spirit of this New Year, let's visit those in a tidy Top 10...or no, Top 11 ("Well it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten..." Bonus points if you identify the source of that quote!...) countdown....

11. Look very closely at Ellie's strawberry blond hair and you will see that it is comprised of single strands of different alternating colors: red, orange, golden blond and platinum blond.

10. When Ellie was a baby, I used to rock her to sleep at night by lightly running my nails up and down her back...and still today she can barely fall asleep without me running my nails down her back...

9. Ellie was born at 5:56 p.m. on January 1, 2000...her brother, Tim, was born 19 months later at 5:56 a.m....and her youngest brother, Will, was born 23 months after that at 1:56 p.m...

8. My daughter is an unapologetic carnivore...and could quite possibly be bribed with a piece of rare prime rib...

7. Ellie actually prefers to be called "Elizabeth"...

6. She is a bit of a thrill seeker...roller coasters, air turbulence and free falls are favorites...

5. Ellie loves the dangerous type...the bad boys...(hmmm...does that run in the family maybe? just a little bit...)...Billy the Exterminator and Edward Cullen are both on her list of dream dates...I better keep Russell Crowe (aka my boyfriend) the hell off her radar...

4. She developed a very sweet Southern accent when at camp this summer, and when she tells the story of falling off her horse in competition, it comes back...

3. She cries when she hears the song "Lean On Me," watches Teen Mom and when I get mad at the dog...

2. Ellie wants to adopt a child when she grows up...

1. Ellie is a specific and unique variety of Rittereiser...her kindred spirits include my beloved Gramps, Aunt Liz, Cousin Deb and sister, Trish...she adores and is happiest around dogs and horses and is great with little kids... Along with that comes a sharp wit and grasp of comic irony, which is natural, unrehearsed and proves to me that she really is mine...

And that takes my breath away...

Happy, happy New Year to all...enjoy, have fun, be safe... Am hoping that each of us gets everything we want in 2011...

Love always....

Photos:

1. The Black Swan and her audience....no fire drill that night...

2 - 9. Ellie at various stages in life and with people who love her...

Get Back To Where You Once Belonged...!

"Suz, did you by any chance cut me off of your blog distribution?" Laughing, she added: "I thought maybe I was missing something...maybe we were in a fight and I didn't remember..."

Susan McG., November 2010

As if!!!!

I know...it has been a while. I can explain...

You all know me...I have been writing something -- notes, letters, diaries, short stories, secret musings -- at least once a week since I was six. And then, this Fall, I just stopped...for much longer than a week... Hmmm...odd, yes...but it was easy to push aside, what with all the happenings and holidays...the post-game Avon Walk and Priscilla Presley at the big Halloween bash and the Harvest Ball honoring Mike McG.... and then there was Parents' Night Out with the 50% posse at Indian Trail Club and dancing non-stop in 4-inch heels (the fuchsia-bowed, of course...) at the K3 Christmas party...and Thanksgiving -- Thanksgiving! my favorite day of the year came and went without a written word from me...wow. I had unconsciously talked myself into ignoring the issue, but it was then, in that moment with Susan, that I acknowledged it to myself....

I had Writer's Block.

Cr*p. I told myself it would go away, but I just could not reset my brain... I mean, writing isn't just something I "do"...at this point, it is part of the fabric of my being....I felt the void. So I pushed myself, and forced out some paragraphs...but I didn't think they sounded like me....my voice was buried in there somewhere, but it sounded like someone else was writing "in the style of Suz." I was not going to have that, so I stopped trying...closed the diary, capped the pen. And I was sad...but I figured the rest of you would just get used to me being gone...you would soon find something else to briefly divert your attentions while you sipped your morning latte...and it would be OK eventually. Even if it wasn't really OK with me... So I told myself -- just like Peter Cetera said -- everybody needs a little time away....

Then last week I opened Facebook and there was Gwen's status on my news feed: "Waiting patiently for thus-it-continues...." Like an encouraging little tap on the shoulder...someone out there remembered. So did I. Mostly I remembered how much fun I had with it...but could I shake the Block just because I wanted to reconnect? I terribly missed sharing...and I missed writing...but it was like a friend I hadn't hung out with in a while but thought of often...should I reach out? I wasn't sure. Still...of one thing, I was certain -- I would never choose to give up anything that means so very much to me...

And since when do I craft my choices based on the philosophy of Peter f*%!ing Cetera??? I don't. I do what I want to do...so...

It's Christmastime, for crissakes...I am going to rely on the scrappy passion of Band-Aid for inspiration: "Here's to you! raise a glass for everyone!" Yes! raise a glass!...that's exactly how I want to feel -- celebratory. 'Tis the season...and to me that means we need celebrate all around...to be thankful and languish in the many different loves that surround us...to welcome the secret joys that life brings us...to be grateful that we have another year ahead to achieve the lives we want for ourselves...and to learn to embrace the gifts we are given, even if we sometimes don't know how to fit them in our lives. One of the gifts I have been blessed with is my ability to connect...so that is what I want to do...I want to find my way back to you.

Bye-bye, Writer's Block.....

And so...since we're talking about the goings-on inside my brain, I think this end of year return offers the perfect opportunity to review...

Random Favorites by Suz!!! -- 2010 Edition.

A ride through the little pleasures I enjoyed this year... Kind of like People's "Best Of" issue with a dab of Oprah's "Favorite Things" mixed with The Soup's "Clipdown"...only not quite as awesome....nobody is getting an Apple iPad or a pair of Classic Sparkle UGG boots or anything...and I won't be linking to any Kardashian-related hijinks (sorry boys!)....

Anyway, shall we?....Let's...

5. XM 80's On Eight

Ok so, even with my abhorrence of radio commercials ("1-877-KARS4Kids..."...I swear, if I hear that cr*p one more time to start my day, I may rip the radio from its socket...), I am a latecomer to the whole satellite radio concept. I knew about it, but my late great little blue Jag didn't have it, so I stuck to old school methods, you know...I made mixed CDs filled with the sing-along classics of The Backstreet Boys and George Michael and .38 Special and Pink and The Mamas and the Papas (I have eclectic taste...obv...). But now....I have the luxuriously fabulous Chevy Equinox and she came all wired up to XM radio....60 billion entertaining channels to choose from! The first station I found was mellow, folk-y, coffeehouse channel, The Bridge, which happened to be playing my favorite old Rod Stewart classic, "I Don't Wanna Talk About It" ("...how you broke my heart...")... So I would just stick on that station...until the heavy rotation of James Taylor's entire catalog (entire...) and a few too many plays of Janis Ian's "At Seventeen," nearly caused me to drive into a tree and end it all... I desperately flipped to '80's on Eight, and "Walking On Sunshine" was playing...my heart immediately leaped in memory of all my innocent youthful crushes and beyond...and I have been a loyal convert ever since.

What a decade! Talk about eclectic...ok., we all know that Journey and Styx and REO Speedwagon totally rule...but pepper that in with a little Culture Club ("If it's love you want from me, then take it away...") and some classic Toto ("Hurry boy, she's waiting there for you!"), and that craptastic 80's-centric collaboration between Barbra Streisand and Barry Gibb ("It ought to be illegal...") followed by Howard Jones ("And do you feel scared? I do!..."), all topped with a little sprinkle of Jeffrey Osborne ("Flying high upon the wings of loooooovvveee!!!...)... and that's all before I get the kids to drop off!! It's like a bipolar ride through my grammar school and high school years all wrapped up in one easy little electronic push of a button...and I don't know about you, but I miss those days. Even the hairsprayed bangs could use a comeback....

4. Iron Chef Michael Symon

Tyler Florence? So yesterday...

This year felt like the right time for me to anoint a new personal hero on the celeb chef scene, I guess, because Michael Symon rode the "Dude Food" movement right into my heart. You know...the Dude Food posse -- Guy Fieri and Duff Goldman and Chris Cosentino and Michael Psilakis and token gal, Anne Burrell -- a highly credentialed group, professionals and top of their game...yet lovers of the down and dirty approach to great, real food... Tyler Florence may be the alpha-dreamboat prom king, but these are the kids who throw the best after-party, you know? And Michael Symon is the jewel in the Dude Food crown with his bald head and his technically-d**chey-but-somehow-ok-on-him soul patch and the hearty laugh and successful restaurant empire and creative genius as Iron Chef...he's like the mysterious guy you didn't notice much til Senior Year, even though he's on the rugby team and can also fix your car and sing every word of "Wonderful Tonight"... And when Chef Symon introduced the world to duck-fat-fried Gravy Frites via The Best Thing I Ever Ate, well....he had my heart.

3. Modern Family

If you are not watching this show, you need to start right now...I mean, seriously, feel free to walk away from the computer now so that you can add it to your TiVo's Season Pass....I'll wait... My sister Cathleen rarely steers me in the wrong direction when it comes to pop culture...and all this year she was onto espousing the virtues of Modern Family..."it's irreverent but totally genuine..." Well-said...and completely accurate.

Modern Family is about a family...a normal, 21st Century family. There's guy-friendly Ed O'Neill as the awesomely nuanced, yet stereotypically macho 60-ish dad with the hot Latina trophy wife...and the gay brother with the overly emotional chubby husband and their adopted Asian baby girl...and the nutty, spazzy brother-in-law married to the anal sister and the weird kids and...it just goes on and on. And each character drops lines that are pithy and twisted ("Adolf Hitler, Charles Manson...shall we go on?...Naomi Campbell...") and extra brave (they also make excellent dueling Facebook statuses with my pop culture soulmate, Lisa A....)...and these writers don't miss a target, and take no prisoners. But somehow it is amazingly relateable...all done with a peek into the ridiculousness of family life today...and a nod to what truly makes a family... I see myself in all of them...

2. Internet Sensations

I suppose it's the "new normal," this world where it is totally acceptable to post videos of oneself and friends engaging in mundane (or not so mundane...) activities...and most of the time no one beyond your inner circle even sees them. But then there are these random events or home videos that take on a life of their own, making their way to "most viewed" on youtube and then getting reposted on Dlisted... And then everyone and their brother on Facebook and Twitter are posting links and sharing these video moments...and stars...or great midday diversions, if nothing else...are born. This is nothing new, I know...but this year in particular, there were three bits I watched over and over and over on youtube...and no matter how I felt...how stressed or p**sed or sad or angry or frustrated...no matter what, these just cracked me up every time...

Antoine Dodson aka "The Bed Intruder" -- Red-bandanna-ed brother saves sister from a nighttime intruder...and his classic TV interview following the attack is hilarious enough ("Run and tell THAT, homeboy!")...but then some genius created a mash-up that is so catchy I was kind of wishing I could buy it on iTunes...even my kids can sing it... You probably have seen it a million times...still, it's a must watch.

The Tree -- Some nutty actor guy from The South Shore or Essex County or something puts on a bargain basement auburn ladies wig out of the Jill St. John collection and giant Sofia Loren-brand sunglasses, then stars solo as this middle-aged woman talking to some person off-camera over the lifespan of the Christmas Tree... And this may sound like it is not worth your time, but 'tis the season to p** your pants...so go for it...

Total Eclipse of the Heart -- Literal version -- You remember that psychedelic dream sequence mess that was the video for the Bonnie Tyler classic, right? Well you have never seen it like this before... Please enjoy...

1. Road Tripping with My Kids

I thought a lot about the things I loved best this year...there were tons of news stories and national events and new products to choose from...not to mention parties and good times and great friends...but, truth is, it always came back to the kids...being with my kids. I was all over the map this year -- LA, North Carolina, the Gulf Coast, New England -- and my three little darlings were almost always riding shotgun. Most people don't look to spending the day driving around with three children alternating between beating the cr*p out of one another, pulling each other's hair, asking me if they can say the "c" word (they mean cr*p you dirty animals!...) and giggling with wild abandon...but it is my favorite thing...when we are all together, on our way to somewhere new or fun or exciting or warm or...just different.

I guess I love that no matter where I go, it is the three of them I want by my side. Not that this is a fascinating revelation on my part...I am their mother, they are an extension of my heart...and their love will always stay. I suppose what fascinates me is that they still want to be with me too....that they still throw their arms around me after school and my heart swells. As hard as being a mother of three can be, the rewards are truly endless...and being able to pick up and go anywhere with your three little appendages in tow....that's the best gift of all.... Blows the doors off finding a cure for your Writer's Block...

So...it's good to be back. Happy Christmas to all of my favorites out there, random or not...

Missed you.

xoxo

Photos:

1. (left to right): Flapper; Priscilla Presley; Wonder Woman; Yoko Ono; Geisha/Thai h**ker (just kidding, Kath!) and Lily Munster... Halloween or Fantasy Fetish Ball? You be the judge...

2. (left to right): Kath, Dana, Me, Wendy, Teri and Suse at the K3 Christmas Bash...notice Dana holding me up after 4 hours dancing in the fuchsia-bowed beauties...

3. 80's (not so) dreamboat and love philosopher, Peter Cetera...

4. Raising a glass with Gwen...

5. I love metallic shoes...but really, must we? That said, you know I am dying for a pair...

6. Culture Club circa '83...bet you don't know which one of the down-low bandmates was George's boy...and now has a wife and kids... Google it.

7. Murph, Me and The Donut...Senior Prom, 1988...totally rocking our big bangs out to Barry and Barbra...

8. Iron Chef Michael Symon...earnest, talented, funny, probably rides a hog, is nice to his mom and he can cook...dream date!

9. "She bit me! Ow! she did it again! It's like Twilight back here!..." -- Cam...with vampiress Lily

10. "Hide yo' husbands!"

11. "Make it nice by the tree...c'mon, make it niiiicccee....!!"

12. Who wouldn't let these little darlings say the "c" word whenever they asked...???