Such A Rare Thing, Radiant Child...

2011. Officially a blur...

I feel like this year flew by at the speed of light...I know it was an important year too, historically and societally and personally too... Even so, in looking back, it feels like only yesterday that I was noticing a world full of Marky Mark's sisters from The Fighter...or driving three hours to a roach motel in Rhode Island only to vehemently turn down the windowless, fire-trap of a room, hop in the car, gun the engine and drive right back to New Jersey 15 minutes later, my kids laughing the whole way...and wasn't it seconds ago that we had "The Clap-Out" for our Class of 2011 5th graders at Washington School...and I could swear it was just last weekend that Susan, Mary and I ate Smith & Wollensky take-out on our beds, an ice pack to Susan's head...then there was the fluke October snowstorm, mass hysteria and cancelled Halloween, but not before I could rock my Mrs. Mia Wallace look...and my Oktoberfest dirndl...and my Boy George feathered braids (2011 was apparently the year of the masquerade, maybe that's why it went so quickly...)... And here we are now, the Holidays almost completely behind us and 2012 within reach...

Like I said, 2011 is officially a blur...

The end of the year, however, is always crystal clear

in my mind, because it is this week every year that I reflect upon my life and where I am...and where I was this week 12 years ago now -- December 1999. Most of you know that at that time I was awaiting the birth of my first child...and on January 1, 2000, she came to me. My first baby, my only girl, my truest love...who knew one person could be so many things to me, but she was...and she is even more to me now. Not just the loving and giving and empathetic and open-hearted girl anymore...she's still all those things...and she's still trustworthy and loyal and unapologetically straightforward...but, outside of being my daughter, she's also maturing into one of the most fun people to be around...to laugh with and hang with and ponder life's mysteries with.

A few weeks into this school year, I picked her up at the middle school and we were racing back to the elementary school to get the boys...the car was quiet and I caught sight of her in the mirror, with her messy bun and fuchsia and navy, tie-dyed scarf and she just looked so cute and fresh-faced, like an adorable preteen with all these possibilities ahead of her... She flipped on the radio and on came the opening bars of "Summer Breeze" by Seals & Crofts ("blowin' through the jasmine in my miiiind..." SUCH a guilty pleasure!!)...and usually Ellie would flip to some crap Top 40 station with Taio Cruz or Bruno Mars busting out my speakers...but that day I hear her say under her breath, "oh cool..." as she turned up the volume. And without speaking or even looking at one another, we sang every word of that song ("feel the arms that reach out to hold me/in the evening when the day is throoooough-ooo..." ) at the top of our lungs for the entire ride -- in harmony, no less. I loved that...I loved that I was singing with my best girl...that she was awesome enough to know all the words to "Summer Breeze" and that I felt like it was 1988 and I was riding in my old Volvo with Allison and Casey and Murph and Danielle and The Donut on way to some fun Bergen Catholic football tailgate...being there with her felt that free...and that joyous. What a gift!

Now I know that "Summer Breeze" thing seems like a nothing story, but to me it was that moment that Ellie became this totally cool, fun, silly friend on top of being my beloved firstborn. I texted TJ: "Ellie just sang every single word of Summer Breeze along with the car radio..." And she wrote back: "Ellie totally kicks a**!" So true.

Ellie reaps all benefits and suffers every drawback of being my oldest...so much more is expected of her...she has to work two times as hard in the house as either of the boys ever will...she is the first to be taken to task...and, no matter who is at fault, Ellie is the first one I will look to to end the madness when there is some screaming/chasing/yelling/tussling the three are engaging in... And as such, she is often frustrated with me...with the unfairness of being the oldest...sick of feeling like so much is expected of her...tired of always being the one who has to give in...like her slip-ups are received in a completely different way than the same slip-up by one of her brothers might be... And as I am the fourth of five children, I cannot help but notice and call her out when she is acting like a bossy older sister....so, in many ways our relationship can be complicated.

But the bright side is that she is my other half...she and I laugh at the same things...and now we even share shoes and some clothes...she gets to stay up later and go to better shows and restaurants and overnights with me...we see movies together and we talk about clothes and makeup and friends and boys and secret hopes and dreams... And though we are actually different in so many ways, Ellie knows me like no one else does at this point...she knows who and what is important to me...she knows when I am hurt or holding back...she cares for me when I am sad or in pain...she cares about my extended family and friends, inquiring after the health and wellness and happiness of those I care for beyond this home... Sometimes she is the mom, giving pep talks and having "come to Jesus" moments with me...and in doing so, there have been many times that she has reminded me to never forget what I am worth. Of course, she calls me on everything -- when I am being unfair, or unnecessarily harsh or strict or angry or insecure or filling up with self-doubt....and she doesn't let me get away with any of it... Still, when it comes down to it, Ellie wants my happiness above all else. Ellie is my very best friend.

Now she is turning 12. I know that we are heading into the years in which she will naturally separate herself from me, keep secrets, share her deepest thoughts and girl talk with her very own versions of Allison and Casey and Murph and Danielle and The Donut...and I know that's normal and that I should let her have that... I should let her experience some of her life's moments with privacy and distance from my eyes and ears. I am ok with that.

But I have wishes for Ellie too...that she stays the loving, giving, empathetic, openhearted, trustworthy, loyal and unapologetically straightforward girl she genuinely is. That she champions her own victories and accepts failures graciously....and that she always knows exactly what she is worth.

Mostly I hope she understands and embraces what I think most adult children struggle with their entire lives -- that her mother and father will always love her no matter what choices she makes and path she follows and stumbling blocks she encounters going forward. I hope she knows that as her mother, as her very best friend, her happiness is my most ardent desire and hope and dream, above all else.

Wishing a very Happy New Year to all of you, my loves, my friends... I have a feeling that 2012 is our year, the best one yet...and in the blink of an eye we will be back here, reflecting on our blessings and good fortune, and wishing Ellie a Happy Birthday once again.

xoxo

Photos:

1. Me, channeling The Boy...watching 2011 fly by...

2. - 8. Ellie during various seasons, at various ages, with various loved ones and on her own... 2000 to the present....