"I'm a star. I'm a star. I'm a star. I'm a star. I'm a big bright shining star. Yeah, that's right."
--Dirk Diggler, Boogie Nights
You know that scene...the "big reveal..." "Big" being the operative word there for dear, sweet, wounded naif, Dirk Diggler...finally back on the scene, back doing what he does best, after days, weeks, months...years, even...his future back on track. And after all he's been through...let's not even get started on the whole demo tapes standoff ("feel, feel, feel, feel, feel, feel my he-eeat...feel my he-eeat...") and "Sister Christian" shoot out and meth-fueled prostitution and brutal yet misdirected gay-bashing that brings him home... Still, after all that, at the end of the road, he can still look himself (well, part of himself...) in the mirror and believe that he is still a star. We can all learn a little about resilience and second comings from Dirk Diggler...wait, I am not sure that sounded the way I meant it...well, you know what I mean.... Dirk wisely rediscovered his true talents and he let them shine...
So...like most of us, I left college with a suitcase full of scholars to quote and literary references aplenty...but clearly, I am a simple girl at heart, because whenever I am left contemplating next steps and life decisions and planning the future, what comes to mind is the montage that closes Boogie Nights, set to the tune of "God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys... All that redemption and hope and life moves on stuff, even for a ragtag family of pornographers and cokeheads... What an uplifting message -- everyone gets a second act -- and I always hear that song in my head when an ending approaches, and a new beginning is within reach...
It is the last week of school here in Wyckoff, which is always emotional...hopeful, yet poignant all at once... There are promotion ceremonies and "Moving Up Day" and proms and awards dinners and commencements and kindergarten plays and year-end parties and "Clap Outs..."...and I am at the end of my two year stint as PTO President. I know, I know...laugh away, high school friends, I know you are recalling my behavior in school back then and find the PTO thing all so incongruously riotous...though most of my friends from the different stages in my life saw my PTO gig as making some sort of twisted, hilarious sense. I joked often about being sure to create some scandal on the way out, just so I can crash and burn in dramatic fashion and be forever notorious. But that didn't happen...we closed our last meeting, I wore a peony pink dress and pretty, tortoise-shell high heels that I nearly broke my ankle in only days prior...I gave out gifts to my beloved Exec Board, who in turn gifted me a gorgeous turquoise and peridot necklace...we officially welcomed our new Board, and I thanked every single person I could think of. And I was proud, because I worked hard at the job, like I aim to do in all tasks and roles -- and relationships -- that I think are important... And though PTO was only one part of my life these past two years, not what elementally defined me, but important still...even so, I knew I had to wait til I was on the other side of it before I could start my real life once again...
And here I am, on the other side...
When I was in my early 20's I knew there were two things that came naturally to me -- writing and making friends. And I did both, as much as I could...I was young and I lived in New York City... I was in PR...lucky me, I got to write press materials all day long! And there were young people there alongside me...and we became fast friends...of course! I lived in a little apartment on West 10th Street, with the world's tiniest kitchen...and I guess I fancied myself a character in a Woody Allen movie, some latter-day Annie Hall, churning out three course meals and holiday celebrations with recipes from my ratty copy of The New Basics, my friends perching dinner plates on their laps while sitting on the bed. That was the most fun ever.
I had always been a foodie, long before those years on West 10th I had been introduced to delicious food and fine restaurants by my parents, who preferred raising RJ and I with midweek dinners in the City to homework sessions and early-to-bed mantras... The minute I could work a stove and grease a pan, I tried to teach myself how to create those flavors on my own... But it was as I became an adult, and in writing about food and restaurants and beverages at work, that I began to consider what part of all this really interested me...what really came naturally to me and made me happy? It was the cooking. It was making people happy with my food. So why wouldn't I just spend my life cooking then? I enrolled in the French Culinary Institute in search of a Culinary Arts degree...and I was young, I knew this training would open a million doors for me...and maybe, just maybe, someday I could fuse all my special talents and passions and become a restaurant reviewer or cookbook writer or have my own food column or run a test kitchen for one of the magazines...or something...
But a few months before classes began, I became engaged to Rob....and I began to plan my wedding and my future...and I began to realize what a different life I would be embarking on than my soon-to-be husband and our young friends who were all starting out in their normal, Wall Street/Advertising/Pharmaceutical Sales/You Name It jobs. The route I was taking, I might likely have worked in kitchens of restaurants they frequented, and catering events and parties and weddings even...weddings I wanted to be a guest at instead... I became spooked...and I turned my back on culinary school...and I felt like everyone was disappointed in me...but I made the excuse that I really only wanted to be a food writer anyway... Soon I knew I had made a mistake, though I couldn't admit it to myself until much later... There were blessings of course...that detour in life gave me my three gorgeous children, lights of my life...an exciting career, a nice home and scads of friends that I would never trade...but still, there was a twinge of regret living in my heart...
Over the past few months I have been contemplating....and I decided that I never lost that dream to become trained and credentialed and learned in the area of food and creating and giving of myself through my work...and I decided that it was time for a new beginning, time to rediscover my talents, just like Dirk Diggler, and get ready for my second act.
So...I will begin attending Institute of Culinary Education at the end of July.
Who knows what it will bring me...but I know I will be proud to have gone back and made it right...and to show my kids that it is never too late. My darling Will has appointed himself my motivator...he's been planning the menu, choosing a name and mentally designing our future restaurant, going so far as to approach the owner of our favorite local coffee shop, telling him to call us when he's ready to sell...so funny... And maybe it really will end up that way... But to be honest, I don't know what I am going to do with this degree...I have no clue...I just want to be in a position to do something I love all the time...so it's the beginning of a new chapter... And as I wrote in an email to my dear, supportive friends in town this week: "I hope you will all work in my food truck with me someday...selling tacos to construction workers...sounds good, right?"
It sounds great actually....
God Only Knows...
So while writing this here today, I remembered that another great film also ends with a montage narrated deftly by that same song...the final scene of cherished love and life lessons at the airport in Love Actually.... And I was thinking that my whole experience is not really like Dirk Diggler's...it's not really about coming from behind (sorry...ugh...you know what I mean...)...I am not all "I am a star..." like he was or anything. For me it's about existing in life and experiencing a simple epiphany -- your happy future is right there in front of you, within grasp of your own hands...go get it!...
So right now I feel less like Dirk Diggler and more like the cute, chubby aide to Hugh Grant as Prime Minister, when she runs towards him at the airport and jumps into his arms, red coat and all, not a care for who sees...
That's me. Taking a leap...
Happy Summer!
xoxo, Suz
Photos:
When I was in my early 20's I knew there were two things that came naturally to me -- writing and making friends. And I did both, as much as I could...I was young and I lived in New York City... I was in PR...lucky me, I got to write press materials all day long! And there were young people there alongside me...and we became fast friends...of course! I lived in a little apartment on West 10th Street, with the world's tiniest kitchen...and I guess I fancied myself a character in a Woody Allen movie, some latter-day Annie Hall, churning out three course meals and holiday celebrations with recipes from my ratty copy of The New Basics, my friends perching dinner plates on their laps while sitting on the bed. That was the most fun ever.
I had always been a foodie, long before those years on West 10th I had been introduced to delicious food and fine restaurants by my parents, who preferred raising RJ and I with midweek dinners in the City to homework sessions and early-to-bed mantras... The minute I could work a stove and grease a pan, I tried to teach myself how to create those flavors on my own... But it was as I became an adult, and in writing about food and restaurants and beverages at work, that I began to consider what part of all this really interested me...what really came naturally to me and made me happy? It was the cooking. It was making people happy with my food. So why wouldn't I just spend my life cooking then? I enrolled in the French Culinary Institute in search of a Culinary Arts degree...and I was young, I knew this training would open a million doors for me...and maybe, just maybe, someday I could fuse all my special talents and passions and become a restaurant reviewer or cookbook writer or have my own food column or run a test kitchen for one of the magazines...or something...
Over the past few months I have been contemplating....and I decided that I never lost that dream to become trained and credentialed and learned in the area of food and creating and giving of myself through my work...and I decided that it was time for a new beginning, time to rediscover my talents, just like Dirk Diggler, and get ready for my second act.
So...I will begin attending Institute of Culinary Education at the end of July.
It sounds great actually....
God Only Knows...
So while writing this here today, I remembered that another great film also ends with a montage narrated deftly by that same song...the final scene of cherished love and life lessons at the airport in Love Actually.... And I was thinking that my whole experience is not really like Dirk Diggler's...it's not really about coming from behind (sorry...ugh...you know what I mean...)...I am not all "I am a star..." like he was or anything. For me it's about existing in life and experiencing a simple epiphany -- your happy future is right there in front of you, within grasp of your own hands...go get it!...
So right now I feel less like Dirk Diggler and more like the cute, chubby aide to Hugh Grant as Prime Minister, when she runs towards him at the airport and jumps into his arms, red coat and all, not a care for who sees...
That's me. Taking a leap...
Happy Summer!
xoxo, Suz
Photos:
1. Big moment....
2. Cokehaeds and pornographers...but lovable, no?
3. Some of the beloved Exec Board, Rhonda, Kelly, Me, Joan and Suse...hot b**ches, dressed for our final PTO meeting...a little blurry, pretty sure the photographer was wasted...(not pictured but still beloved, TJ, Robyn, JVC and Jen...)
4. There she is now, Past President, in her peony pink and gorgeous turquoise and peridot necklace...a look of silly relief all over her face....
5. The New Basics...prop for my past as a Woody Allen character....
6. Totally worth the detour...my three...
7. Forever dear friends, Amber and Nance...who have both offered to sample my homework...
8. Hugh Grant as PM along with my hero -- cute, chubby aide and her very own second act...
And for your viewing pleasure...teeny, tiny bit NSFW...just for a second...
2. Cokehaeds and pornographers...but lovable, no?
3. Some of the beloved Exec Board, Rhonda, Kelly, Me, Joan and Suse...hot b**ches, dressed for our final PTO meeting...a little blurry, pretty sure the photographer was wasted...(not pictured but still beloved, TJ, Robyn, JVC and Jen...)
4. There she is now, Past President, in her peony pink and gorgeous turquoise and peridot necklace...a look of silly relief all over her face....
5. The New Basics...prop for my past as a Woody Allen character....
6. Totally worth the detour...my three...
7. Forever dear friends, Amber and Nance...who have both offered to sample my homework...
8. Hugh Grant as PM along with my hero -- cute, chubby aide and her very own second act...
And for your viewing pleasure...teeny, tiny bit NSFW...just for a second...
