So last Wednesday morning, I awoke fully expecting the snow to have piled up over the garage doors, barely allowing me to peek from my bedroom windows. They had cancelled school the night prior and every report predicted another Snowpocalypse 2011… Well maybe for you poor dears in Boston…and even my Long Island and Connecticut posse got kind of slammed…but here in The BC (
don’t even pretend you don’t know that means Bergen County…)…here in The BC there was no Snowpocalypse that day…in fact, this storm didn’t even qualify as Snowtorious B.I.G. (trademark: Brett B…)…when I woke, the driveway had been plowed and the roads were wet, but clear. Yeah baby!!
So…what else was I to do with no school and a fridge full of healthful and fresh ingredients I misguidedly bought thinking I would be inside all day making Julia’s potage parmentier and my own perfect roast chicken… You know, just an aside…I think we can agree that preparing for a blizzard has little to do with milk, bread and rock salt…it’s all about the junk food and trashy magazines… Case in point, take note of this photo of my shopping cart from my blizzard planning trip to Stop & Shop before Snowmageddon 2010 last winter….THAT’s how a Rittereiser prepares for a storm… Don't worry, though fiscally irresponsible, most of that cr*p never made it to our plates and was tossed out a month later when I needed to make room in the freezer... This time, though, I restrained myself…it was all about leeks and potatoes and baguette and Abma’s free range chicken…ok and some Breyer’s for the ice cream shake making… Anyway, I digress…that all sat in the fridge an extra day (though the potage made a lovely lunch for Sam and I that Friday…), because I pulled Ellie aside, out of the boys’ earshot, and she and I made a secret plan to hit the first showing of the day at AMC Garden State (the same place Sam and I saw the soft core masterpiece Black Swan interrupted by the mid-flick fire alarm…).
After a debate over what to see, we called it a draw…I would see The Fighter and she would see Little Fockers…and girl, don’t! with any judginess that I willingly sent her into a screening room alone…Allison and I were fully trying on lipsticks and feather earrings at Wayne Hills Mall by the time we were ten and we turned out perfectly fine…well, she did, at least. So, of course I wanted to see The Fighter...I make no secret of my love affair with Mark Wahlberg (just don't tell Russell Crowe...)...and who wouldn't want to spend two hours marveling at a scrawny, sweaty, cracked-out Christian Bale rocking the most deliciously low-class version of the trademark Boston accent... But...it was the trashy mom sporting a wardrobe comprised of circa '90 rejects they must have unearthed from a Dumpster behind Boland Hall at Stonehill...and the gaggle of scrappy, loudmouth sisters that completely made the film for me...
So this is all well and good...uneventful...Ellie and I met up in the theater lobby afterwards and went to lunch at Johnny Rockets (talk about trashy...)...and I put the Marky Mark Sisters out of my head as we grilled the waitress on whether the cooks made the fries in the same fryer a
s the clam strips...
Next the cops come through the door and the manager points to Marky Mark's Sister at the end of the counter...and the officer approaches, pulls out his pad and inquires on the problem...
don’t even pretend you don’t know that means Bergen County…)…here in The BC there was no Snowpocalypse that day…in fact, this storm didn’t even qualify as Snowtorious B.I.G. (trademark: Brett B…)…when I woke, the driveway had been plowed and the roads were wet, but clear. Yeah baby!! So…what else was I to do with no school and a fridge full of healthful and fresh ingredients I misguidedly bought thinking I would be inside all day making Julia’s potage parmentier and my own perfect roast chicken… You know, just an aside…I think we can agree that preparing for a blizzard has little to do with milk, bread and rock salt…it’s all about the junk food and trashy magazines… Case in point, take note of this photo of my shopping cart from my blizzard planning trip to Stop & Shop before Snowmageddon 2010 last winter….THAT’s how a Rittereiser prepares for a storm… Don't worry, though fiscally irresponsible, most of that cr*p never made it to our plates and was tossed out a month later when I needed to make room in the freezer... This time, though, I restrained myself…it was all about leeks and potatoes and baguette and Abma’s free range chicken…ok and some Breyer’s for the ice cream shake making… Anyway, I digress…that all sat in the fridge an extra day (though the potage made a lovely lunch for Sam and I that Friday…), because I pulled Ellie aside, out of the boys’ earshot, and she and I made a secret plan to hit the first showing of the day at AMC Garden State (the same place Sam and I saw the soft core masterpiece Black Swan interrupted by the mid-flick fire alarm…).
Those. Broads. Ruled! The mom is in a league of all by herself...and the sisters, well they captivated me completely with their proud inactivity and endless undermining and misguided direction. Oh of course, the story of family ties, sibling rivalry, loyalty, love, hurt, loss and redemption was good too...it was great, actually...I loved it. But those women....they were such true to life characters in my opinion -- bad fashion sense, a decade behind the times, high-hair, scrunchies and cans of beer...the men around them rendered b*ll-less...while they are filled with fear and suspicion, yet always out there with their thoughts...like they couldn't help themselves, they had to weigh in and opine on subjects and issues of no consequence, yet were blind to -- or perhaps just content in -- the f***ed-uppedness all around them. I found myself a little envious -- ignorance truly is bliss!
So this is all well and good...uneventful...Ellie and I met up in the theater lobby afterwards and went to lunch at Johnny Rockets (talk about trashy...)...and I put the Marky Mark Sisters out of my head as we grilled the waitress on whether the cooks made the fries in the same fryer a
s the clam strips...And then, as the week progressed it was like the Marky Mark Sisters were following me...I was tripping over them! I swear, everywhere I went, I encountered loud, angry women with questionable fashion sense, high bangs in a color I don't believe exists naturally, and an impatient glare...all that was missing was the beer, cigarettes and a herd of similarly dressed women surrounding her... Have these women always been backing up lines, talking to themselves, demanding the authorities be called and verbally abusing shop clerks all over Franklin Lakes and Wyckoff for years and I am just noticing them now?
There was the Marky Mark Sister on line at Dunkin' Donuts who began speaking to me when the 50-ish Hispanic clerk had the nerve to ask his manager the proper way to ring up her order with her discount card:
Her: "I mean...what country are we in, right? I mean...he doesn't understand me...he can't read...he can't speak English...isn't that the w
orst? I hate that. Don't you hate that?"
orst? I hate that. Don't you hate that?"Me: Hummana hummana hummana...sheepish giggle...catch the clerk's eyes, which he rolls...I see him everyday...he speaks English just fine...
Her: "I mean it really p**ses me off that he can't read the coupon...I should get behind the counter and ring it up myself...I used to work at a Dunkin' Donuts, you know..."
Me: Uncomfortable smile...frantic fake texting to avoid awkwardness...
Her: "You really should get one of these Ramapo High School Boosters discount cards...they're great!"
Me: (to myself) I'll pass...
Then there was the Marky Mark Sister/Usherette at the Helen Hayes Theater on 44th Street...Trish C. and I were there to see Colin Quinn in his (hilarious!!) one-man show, Long Story Short....and first the Marky Mark Sister snapped at Trish, saying she wasn't allowed to lean on the steps while we waited to enter the theater...and then she wanted to throw down with us when Trish placed her Playbill on the ledge in the front mezzanine... Later Colin covered the historically great fight-starting skills of the Irish and for a minute, he was kind of resembling a Marky Mark Sister too...
Then somehow Ellie talked me into hitting Garden State Plaza on Saturday afternoon, which is against my religion and a rule I had not broken in at least 15 years. So there were countless Marky Mark Sisters entering Hot Topic (none in Abercrombie though...), but the one we encountered who was my favorite was on line at the pre-teen hellhole, Justice....she wore a bedazzled Steelers jersey (sorry Scott!) and spent no less than 15 minutes yelling at the 18 year old shopgirl because she was sent two discount cards and could not combine the offers on one sale. What is it with these b**ches and the discount cards!?!
And then this Tuesday morning, I braved the icy mix and headed back to the famous DDs for my morning iced latte...and as I walk toward the door I hear sirens blaring...and a policeman in a SUV peals around the corner and parks facing the wrong way in a spot parallel to the curb....I figure he's on an emergency doughnut run for the guys at the station, so I ignore him...you know, gotta get my latte... I enter the shop and immediately notice a woman sitting next to the pick up area of the counter...sitting in a chair as if it is exhausting to wait 30 seconds for a coffee and a nasty, microwaved egg and cheese croissant... And she's wearing an office gal outfit circa '94 with kitten-heeled ankle boots and a busted version of the Nicole Kidman ringlets from Far and Away, only not ethereal at all....and again I thought: "Marky Mark's sisters from The Fighter are all over the place this week..."
Next the cops come through the door and the manager points to Marky Mark's Sister at the end of the counter...and the officer approaches, pulls out his pad and inquires on the problem...
Her: "I slipped on the ice...."
Cop: "Ok, are you hurt? Did you hit your head?"
Her: "No. I fell on my butt...and I want to file a police report..."
Cop: "Uh....ok...there's an ambulance on the way too..."
Her: "Oh, I don't want one...I have to get to work, I just want to file my report and go..."
WTF??????? I almost broke my kneecap last week in the parking lot of Pediatric Dentistry, but I got back up and skipped into the office like nothing was wrong so no one would laugh at me...
Could this chick have been looking for a payday on a simple butt bruise? Wearing
her slippery kitten heels on the one day that every meteorologist on the East Coast had warned would be slick and icy? The cops were nice and accommodating to The Sister though...and the concerned landlord, owner of the fancy clothing store adjacent who happens to be named Suzanne too, showed up in her $1,600 Prada riding boots and mink vest...and a bucket of rock salt. That was actually the best part of the whole exchange, watching chic Suzanne spread salt on the sidewalk while the cops took The Sister's statement...
her slippery kitten heels on the one day that every meteorologist on the East Coast had warned would be slick and icy? The cops were nice and accommodating to The Sister though...and the concerned landlord, owner of the fancy clothing store adjacent who happens to be named Suzanne too, showed up in her $1,600 Prada riding boots and mink vest...and a bucket of rock salt. That was actually the best part of the whole exchange, watching chic Suzanne spread salt on the sidewalk while the cops took The Sister's statement...Aside from the other Suzanne's stylish yet inappropriate snow shoveling ensemble, this whole scene was pretty out of the ordinary in sleepy, pristine Wyckoff...but leave it to our police department to send four officers and an ambulance crew to cover one litigious fashion nightmare with a butt bruise... I was almost expecting a movie scene to break out right there...for Micky and Dickey to show up with the gaggle of sisters in tow to rough up the cops and make a mess of the well-maintained situation. So...I took my exit...marveling yet again at how the Marky Mark Sisters barely have to lift a finger (or a butt, in this case...) or brush their hair or put on makeup or be polite or act rationally...and still they always end up rendering the entire room b*ll-less...
Told you those broads ruled...
Photos:
1. All the food groups are represented...see, there are Strawberry Pop Tarts...that's fruit!
2. Funny how the sweaty look can be so off-putting on one and so deliciously enticing on the other...
3. Obviously not models for The Sisters...my high school friends in 1988...none of these sexy ensembles ended up in any dormitory Dumpsters...
4. The Sisters looking lovely for their close up...
5. ...And sporting some hot threads...
6. ...And sitting on their butts waiting for the cops to take their statements...
7. The Other Suzanne...as portrayed by Rachel Zoe...fur and thousands of dollars of luxury leather goods...that's just an average snowsuit here in The BC...
