And Fairy Tales Don't Always Have a Happy Ending, Do They?

Me and Sarah, Duchess of York, January, 2004

Yes...if you think back a little and remember what you know about me, you will eventually stumble upon the Weight Watchers years...and you will remember that I worked closely with The Duchess and a team of talented professionals who were responsible for her reinvention after the toe-sucking/royal divorce/Duchess of Pork days... Our work established her reemergence as an inspiration to millions of people who never thought they to could reinvent themselves...take charge of their lives and become the person they wanted to be...and weight loss and body image were just the beginning of the messages The Duchess communicated in her role as spokesperson for Weight Watchers International. And she was beloved.

By now you have all heard about what she was "caught on tape" doing this past weekend in London...puportedly selling access to HRH, The Duke of York -- her royal ex-husband, the father of her children -- to an undercover reporter posing as a legitimate businessman.

Apparently a desperate act of a woman who is deeply in debt and made a bad judgment call.

I spent six years working with The Duchess and I know a woman of many qualities...and in the coming days, until this dies down, you will all read a lot about who she is and the mess she has created here, there and everywhere...she lives beyond her means! she has traded on her royal title! she's an abomination to The Royal Family! she sponged off of Prince Andrew! she let some rich bald dude suckle her tootsies!... Still, I wanted you to know what lies beyond that...the woman as I know her too...

First, if there is one rule of PR to which I have held true over the years, it is to do all you can to protect and preserve the image of the client or brand...to keep inside information of any kind to yourself. And though I know how The Duchess liked her tea and what she enjoyed snacking on and what cocktail was her favorite...and the way she was with her girls...and what she said about Andrew and Diana and William and Harry and the Queen...and about her amazing intuition and psychic abilities (she announced to a room full of people that I was pregnant with Will in the earliest days of the pregnancy, before I even knew for sure...)...and some of her stories about run-ins with other celebrities...and difficult moments and tense times we had with her...I think I will continue to honor the rule and keep the details to myself... But some of the experiences I had with her over the years that I will share, speak to who she was almost 99% of the time I spent with her...

In Buffalo one year I had arranged through Make-A-Wish Foundation for a terminally ill little girl, whose last wish it was to "meet a princess," to be a guest at our event and have a private meeting with The Duchess afterwards. And the Duchess was worried the child wouldn't think she was a real princess...like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty...so she asked for some tin foil and she made herself a crown and a little scepter...she bought the girl some Barbie dolls and she sat on the floor of that hotel meeting room with that ridiculous foil crown and played with the little girl for at least an hour while the girl's mother and the Make-A-Wish folks looked on in teary amazement...

And the time in Kansas City when she insisted on making a detour to planned appearances and TV interviews so that she might visit my great friend and counterpart, Nancy B., who had just given birth to a daughter, who arrived unexpectedly and very early...six weeks early at least...and the whole team, including The Duchess, had worried that all the work Nancy did to make this royal visit to Kansas City successful had stressed the baby and made her arrive early... So The Duchess didn't care whom she kept waiting, this visit and being there for Nancy was far more important to her...

And there was her great chemistry and deep friendship with my dear friend, co-worker and mentor, Sharon R....an amazing leader at Weight Watchers, our training manager and the gold standard by which all others were judged. The Duchess always turned to Sharon for inspiration and encouragement...their traveling show at our East Coast Super Meetings was the hottest ticket in every city, little and big, that we traveled to over six years together...they shared a legendary banter and effortless back and forth...what a great team! Such fun to watch. And I know that The Duchess stayed close to Sharon and called her frequently from wherever she happened to be in the last two years of Sharon's life...returning the inspiration and support Sharon gave her over the years...and I know those calls buoyed Sharon's spirits and brought her much comfort in those final weeks.

And then in Baltimore, hosting the last media event in my role at Weight Watchers, The Duchess pulled me aside and told me how much our working relationship had meant to her over the years...and this touched me because I had always been sure to give her a respectful amount of space so she would not feel that she had to be "on" around me. She said that she always felt cared for and comforted when she traveled with our team...and she thanked me for that and said that she would miss me and that she wanted to stay in touch. Weeks later I received a lovely card with great photos that she shot herself along with a personalized note that was genuine and heartfelt...an unexpected but fitting goodbye....and of course, I still keep it with my other favorite things...

I don't know what happened this past weekend...I hate to know that she had hit that low of a rock bottom and that it was splashed across the world in technicolor. I feel for The Duchess because she truly is a good, decent person...generous and witty and polite and sentimental...cool and sarcastic too...but mostly, she was wounded from a lifetime of loss and I always wanted to see her happy. We all do things that are not wise or pretty and we make choices that are morally ambiguous...every one of us does things we are not proud of, but to use an old Weight Watchers saying: "there is a positive intention behind every action..." Not to excuse the behavior, but I believe she is in need and she was only trying to protect herself.

So...judge not lest ye be judged, I guess... I am on Team Fergie.

So We'll Swim Upstream...

Thanks to all of you who expressed your concern and love and devotion and shared your theories and advice and suggestions after my last post...I am blessed to have such caring (and b*ll-busting) friends and I love you too...no, scratch that...I love you more.

And now... the update....

Will and I visited the allergist this week... Ok, wait...rewind a little...when I told my story a few weeks ago, I left out some details to make the story flow succinctly...so, part of the whole mess you didn't hear was the ironic fact that mere days prior to my ER visit and 3 hours on IV, my jealous and possessive six-and-a-half year old, Will, complained of a "sore throat" while we enjoyed some lobsters for Sunday dinner. And the alarm bells went off...I made him stop eating and I announced that I would be making an appointment at the allergist as soon as possible so that he might be tested. And then that Wednesday, I had my episode. So....we made a tandem appointment instead....and this past Monday morning we sat next to one another on the examination table and each received these little pricks (ha!...not that kind...) in our arms and watched as the little pricks swelled to twice their size and turned red (ha!...again, obscene... the jokes just write themselves here...I am not even trying...). So anyway....this is what we found...

It was wrong of me to hate on the shrimp teriyaki...my brush with anaphylaxis was, in fact, not a result of those deliciously glaze-y, salty little critters...instead my tongue blew up and my throat nearly closed in reaction to the innocent little salmon avocado roll I snacked on at the same time. Salmon...I know! Who would have thought? You know, I don't eat it unless it is raw or smoked...so I don't really even eat it that much. You know the weddings and parties where you get the choice of salmon or beef fillet...I always go right for the fat, lazy cow as it will most likely be cooked more expertly than the salmon anyway. But, you know me...I am a foodie to the core, and any food allergy is a major blow...any inconvenience or restriction in any way almost puts me over the edge...so this is punishment, certainly (Damn hooky playing!!). I will miss salmon...because now, it needs to be removed from my rotation for good....now I get to carry an epipen in my purse...now I have an anaphylactic seafood allergy.... I am certain that this will cause me to long for all things salmon for the rest of my life.

During my pregnancies -- the only time in life I denied myself an exotic snack here or there in protection of my unborn angels -- I vividly remember daydreaming about sushi and beer all nine months...sushi and beer was all I wanted all 40 weeks...two things I knew weren't an ideal combo for the health of the fetus...I don't think either of those items are even treats I indulge in regularly, but at that moment in time, I wasn't allowed to have them and that just got to me. I suppose I am one of those girls...if you tell me I cannot have something...anything...if you give me parameters and guidelines, I will spend half of my life figuring out how to skirt said obstacles. In all things. So now, it is not only recommended that I stay away from salmon...my life depends on it.

But....at least it wasn't shellfish, right? I wasn't prepared to have to give up lobster rolls on the deck by the beach...or that creamy, delicious shrimp gratinee at Arturo's...or mini crabcakes with spicy remoulade....or Nantucket scallop season. At least that wasn't my issue, right?....

Well....don't expect an invitation to a celebratory crawfish boil, because I mentioned there were two of us on that examination table, did I not? That's right, my friends, my sweet little darling was right...his throat was sore that night after our lobster tails...because the little pricks in his arm told us that he is severely allergic to all shellfish...lobster, shrimp, prawn, scallops, crab, crayfish, langoustines...you name it. And on top of that, more cr*ppy news, he has a high sensitivity to mollusks...clams, oysters, mussels, etc.... And this is the child whose favorite food is escargot. I am so bummed for him.

Of course, I want to keep Will alive and healthy...I worked hard to get him here in one piece after he lost his umbilical chord and oxygen and I needed an emergency C-section to birth him...I have always been extra attached and protective of him. So we will avoid shellfish to the very best of our ability, of course...and as Suse pointed out, at least I don't have to worry about kids bringing shrimp cocktail or steamers in for lunch everyday like the nut-allergic moms worry each day with peanut butter contamination. That is all true. But as a lover of food, it does break my heart just a little bit that this child will likely (hopefully) live another 90 years and will never enjoy lobster rolls by the beach or creamy shrimp gratinee or mini crabcakes or seared Nantucket bay scallops...and don't even get me started on clam chowder (Say chowdah, Frenchy...!) and The Oyster Bar at Grand Central. I guess to protect him I will have to hide my disappointment too...I will have to pretend that clambakes and raw bar and chowderfests totally s*ck....but we all know that is a lie...and that he will be missing out.

So...what's an indulgent mother to do in compensation? What deliciousness can I introduce him to that will fill the seaside shellfish void? What cool summer pastime can I hook him on so that he feels just as festive as the rest of us while we watch the sunset sink beneath the horizon? Hmmm.... Damn...the only thing that keeps coming to mind is cocktailing...you know, almost as fun, festive and delicious as a lobster roll. Too early for that kind of fun though, isn't it? Oh, ok...yeah, I guess you are probably right....rushing my son into the wonderful world of summer cocktails is probably a mistake. So, I will have to keep thinking on it...wrack my brain for Will's next yummy diversion...maybe that will keep my mind off the smoked salmon rosettes I will now have to turn down at The Fourways Inn this summer in Bermuda...ugh...this is not going to be easy....

At least we know what we are up against though, right? Right.

xoxo, Suz

Buy Me Some Peanuts and Crackerjacks...and a Foam Finger...and so on...

I am pretty sure I am the only person in history to have worn a strapless Vineyard Vines dress to a Yankee game...oh even though it was navy and white and kind of festive and seasonably light and airy, make no mistake, everyone -- the women and men and kids and concession stand workers and maintenance people and security detail and undercover cops -- gave me and my garden party appropriate duds the once over and the barely concealed eye-roll. I guess adding on top of that my two boys in their madras shorts, we were an odd sight up there in section 328 of the upper tier...oops! So I misread my audience...at least Ellie pulled through with some upper tier cred as she sported a tank top, denim skirt and the white trash pink camouflage Yankee hat she just had to have at the first souvenir stand we passed....her father surely would have come right to the stadium, dragged her to the car and taken her home had he known I allowed her to brave the crowds in that get-up...but thank g*d she did, because at least our upper tier brethren didn't think we were total jag-of*s...

Ok, so my outfit may have been kind of prim, but my intentions were purely down and dirty...this was a midday game...and it was Wednesday afternoon on a school day...and there I was, corrupting my own children and letting them skip school so we could kick back for an afternoon and hang at the "new" Yankee Stadium together...my first time. I bet there is probably a sizable selection of you who think I am a "cool mom"...and I guess in some ways I can be...but most of the time I am not. I don't like to break rules and I am always afraid someone is going to yell at me or think I am pushing the limits of acceptability...so I am never the mom who takes a week off of school in the middle of the year to go to Disney off-season...nor am I the mom who lets the kids stay home "sick" if they are just tired...and I am not the mom who drops a Happy Meal off at the school for the kids' lunch everyday...not that there is anything wrong with any of that, in fact, that kind of flexibility is a good trait...just not one that I possess. Instead, I am the mom who gets them to school at 8:35 everyday, 15 full minutes prior to the final bell...I am the mom who somehow agreed to be PTO president for the next two years (another story...)...I am the mom who drops off the kids' completed homework if they are out sick...I am the mom who fears authority (it's that Catholic school education...I am scarred...) and who doesn't want my kids to be late or delinquent or in trouble because of a choice that I made... But yesterday afternoon I went against my natural inclinations and we played hooky.

It all started when my high school friend, DPM, posted the tickets' availability on Facebook, which, incidentally, I think is sort of becoming the internet age's version of the lunch room bulletin board...you know the one where you posted your Relay For Life pledge form or your little note card advertising a brand new litter or kitties or puppies that are up for grabs or your daughter's contact info with the headline: Babysitter Available! Anyway, I looked at the calendar and there were no meetings or pedicures or lunch dates scheduled...and then I checked the kids' school schedule, confirming there were no tests scheduled for May 5th...and there weren't...so I thought "what the hell?"...and so it was...I took DPM's Yankee tickets.

But, you know how the ticket exchange thing works...you have to go get them...and DPM is in the City and I was out here, but I made it work. I made plans to meet up with DPM after Rob and I had dinner at Market Table on Carmine Street (pancetta wrapped diver scallops and spring vegetable risotto...hello!...). So despite our high school friendship and interaction on Facebook, DPM and I had not seen one another in fifteen years. Yes, fifteen years (I am so old...)!! And I was using his season tickets out of nowhere as if we lived next door to one another or something...so it was a reunion and ticket exchange all in one. We conducted our business in the lounge downstairs at the Washington Square Hotel where DPM and his lady friend were sipping some gin cocktails complete with cucumber slices...and over his gin and my sparkling rose, we caught up and decided it was long overdue, this reunion...and that we needed an official unofficial reunion of our high school posse, boys and girls and cocktails...

So on to the game...the kids and I got to the stadium just as the doors opened on this gorgeous and perfect day... I knew the seats were upper tier even before we got there, so I was expecting to be out in the sun among the people...forgetting though that I have one child blessed with my tolerance for sun and tanning abilities, while the other two, particularly Ellie, are very fair and have a rough time in the sunlight (no wonder she loves that Twilight vampire boy)... Oh I totally slathered them in spf 50, but the guy at the door confiscated the bottle before we got inside the stadium because it was of the aerosol variety (security alert...). Ok, so as I said, I had to get Ellie a hat or she would never make it past the first inning in the sun...and of course, we stopped at the first kiosk we saw and she chose the aforementioned (WT) pink camouflage one. Then the boys wanted foam fingers. I obliged. And then they wanted french fries and sodas and chicken fingers and water bottles. I obliged again. And then it was those little plastic Yankee helmets filled with Carvel soft serve...this all before we even found our seats. And once we did sit, the Carvel was dripping all over everything and Tim and Will were fighting over the foam fingers and who got what ice cream on whose. That was when Ellie decided to go back out to the concourse to avoid the sun...we had a full 40 minutes before the game was to begin. Oh lord god...

Then Will's melted vanilla with sprinkles spilled all over his lap and onto his seat, completely covering his madras-clad thighs and bum with melted ice cream. This moment marked the second time I had to take him to the bathroom and I made Ellie come out of the shade to sit with Tim while we were cleaning up. In the Ladies Room I encountered the most lingering of stares at my strapless Vineyard Vines get up from a woman in a half shirt and denim shorts, while I wiped him down at the sink. I need a beer, I decided...I am dressed all wrong and I am on the upper tier...a beer is needed, asap... While Will and I waited for my Corona (thanks for reminding me it was Cinco de Mayo, TL...) I started getting phone calls from Ellie begging me to return so she could go back in the shade...I walked back chugging the beer and passing a group of cops who I am pretty sure snickered at my questionable strapless dress in the upper tier...

So the game started and I purchased countless other food items...the plastic collectible cup filled with popcorn that Will eventually dumped on the Dad and his adult son in front of us -- "At least it's not beer!" they said as I blushed and profusely apologized...and they couldn't have been nicer. There was also more water and some ice cream bars that dripped all over Tim's shirt and stuck on his face. And there were those foot long hot dogs that somehow I thought would be an item I should try too...and that turned out to be a big fat mistake. Then at one point the Budweiser vendor walked through: "Bud! Bud Lite!" and Will raises his hand and calls out: "Over here!" and I smack his hand down and am laughing at him, waving away the Bud guy and I say: "Will, you can't order beer, you're too young..." and he says in a dastardly tone: "Anytime one of those boxes comes down the stairs, I want whatever is in it...I don't care what it is!" Well...he is my son after all...

By the third inning it was mostly just Tim and I in the seats watching the game, the other two coming down to take money from me to buy popcorn and more water...and to ask when we would be leaving. And it was relatively quiet with just Tim next to me and I find that I am totally enjoying the game and being among the people in the upper tier, the sun beating down. It had been so long that I had been at a game and actually watched (the last time I was at a Yankee game was in the '90s and even there in our corporate seating some group of boroughs-y stockbrokers with cigars beat up an old man...right there in front of us, 10 rows back from the dugout...)...But today's game brought back the fond memories of my grade school years when we hit the stadium once a week in the Merrill Lynch seats behind the batter's circle and my BFF Allison would lean over the to the field and tell Willie Randolph that she loved him.

At the top of the fourth Tim leans over and he says: "We can leave in the sixth inning...." And I nodded to him...you know, somehow he figured out that it would be his decision, because as long as he wanted to stay there in the sun cheering, I would have...even with the other two hiding in the shade of the concourse...because he was the one who really cared about being there and taking in the game. And so...the game ended early for us, but we got what we wanted out of it right? I mean, I got to catch up with an old friend while getting the tickets...and the kids got all kinds of treats and fun and deliciousness...and I got sunshine on my shoulders and a little Corona in the afternoon...and I was a cool mom even for a just a little while and let them take a day off from school...and best of all, we got to spend that day together, me and my babes...Ok so maybe the strapless dress was out of place, but you know, now I have pretty new tan lines to show off as a result...if nothing else....

......You know....I was going to end the story right there, on a high note of self realization and contentedness... BUT....the day took a turn once we arrived home, so hold onto your hats...

I was running around getting the house together once we got home...Tim had swim practice and the other two were hanging out...I sat down to write what you just read above...fully intending to post this piece on Thursday morning. And as I was heading out to pick up Tim, the other two asked me to order them dinner from our local Japanese restaurant...and I did...some chicken and shrimp tempura and some shrimp teriyaki and a salmon avocado roll, which I planned on eating even though I had a growing migraine since I downed that 12 foot long or whatever giant size that Yankee dog was...ick...stupidly, even though I felt sick, I planned to eat some sushi.

And so...you know what's coming, right? You know how the story goes...I eat a few pieces of sushi and two of the shrimp teriyaki...and a mere 15 minutes later the right side of my tongue is double its size and my throat is swelling shut...and I f$%&ing panic. Never once in my life have I had any problem with any food, let alone seafood...but there is no doubt what I am experiencing here. I am trying to swallow but it is hard and I am running around the kitchen trying to locate some Benadryl...I scream to Ellie asking her to help me and she calls Rob and tells him to hurry back because Mommy is having an allergic reaction...and I hear the fear in her voice. She hangs up and says that Daddy will be here in a few minutes and suggested I call Susan...and she says: "I don't know if he meant Mrs. Sobkowicz (aka Suse) or Mrs. McGuire..." Both Susans are amazing in a crisis...Susan M. is a nurse and my first medical go-to call...but Suse is the mother of a nut allergic child...so I choose to call her...

And Suse talks me through a little and asks me some questions about my symptoms...but a few minutes in I start to notice a tightening in my upper chest...a scratchy, painful tightening and I start to cough and clear my throat...and she says: "Are you coughing?" and when I say yes, she tells me she is on her way with one of Lindsay's epi-pens.... In the meantime Rob gets there and calls my mom who is on her way...Suse arrives and agrees to stay with the kids until my Mom arrives...and off we go to Valley Hospital ER with the epi-pen and the open Benadryl packaging in my purse...

When I get to the ER I tell the guy at the desk what is going on (itchy palms started in the car...) and the place goes f$%&ing ballistic...they throw me in a wheelchair and bring me to the dude in the little office who asks questions...I tell him my story between coughs and I show him the Beandryl I took (which was Children's by the way...)...and he is concerned by my reddened chest and I keep saying "It's from the Yankee game!!" Then some Physician's Assistant runs in and listens to my breathing...and then she goes berserk and wheels me away at 90 miles an hour, yelling to her colleagues to get the anaphylactic kit. Ana-f$%&ing-phylactic????? I know what that means! OH SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They tell me to undress quickly and for the first time all day this strapless Vineyard Vines dress served me well...they tore that thing off me in one swift pull...they attach all these electrodes to me and put in an IV...a doctor runs in and examines me....and he says: "Oh, you're talking...ok, calm down...you will be ok..." And I hear him advise the staff to dial it back a little and he recommends my treatment....Benadryl and Zantac by IV (Zantac??...did I mention the 12 foot long Yankee dog at some point???)... So they administer the burning liquid through the IV and I am immediately dizzy and zoning and I hear my voice asking questions...and I am fading in and out and in my head I am picturing all of those smack addicts on Intervention and how this is the way they must feel...and I begin to cry a little and they are calming me down...and I chill. Rob is there now and when they walk away, he aptly sums up the situation and says: "Not to belittle what you are going through, but I think that Physician's Assistant had a strong reaction...you are going to be ok..."

And then I passed out....

I woke a few times in the next three hours...I heard Rob asking if this was a very serious reaction and the nurse telling him the fact that I was speaking was a good sign, but there is no deciphering how serious a reaction will be...how it will develop...if taking Benadryl will just hold it off until later or of there will be residual attacks...and so, all allergic reactions are serious...

They let me go at midnight...and I felt ok. I feel ok now too...my tongue is just now losing the final swell and my chest is still a little scratchy...I still have a hospital bracelet on one wrist, electrodes still attached to my chest and a bandage over the IV entry...but they were right...I am ok, and I will be ok...

So...Thursday morning I go about my business when my girl Stacey calls to catch up on dinner plans for our other dear high school Heather, Sally's birthday....and I tell her my story...and without missing a beat she says:

"That's what you get for letting your kids play hooky..."

My thoughts exactly.

Much love my dears...kisses to all with this deliciously swollen tongue...xoxo, Suz

Photos:

1. Will, me and my strapless Vineyard Vines dress in section 328 of the upper tier...

2. They seem to love me anyway...cool mom or not...

3. DPM and Me, our reunion and ticket exchange...and we're still looking damn good even 15 years later...

4. to 8. Various shots of my babes enjoying their take in the beating sun of Cinco de Mayo in the Bronx...

9. Shrimp Teriyaki -- Who knew we would end up enemies....??

10. The Two Susans with me...Suse to the left and Susan M. to the right...always saviors and best friends...

11. My hospital ID bracelet, still attached...I almost added a picture of the silicon nodules attached to my chest but at second glance, I decided it was borderline p*rnography....(hey but feel free to email me on the side if you are dying for a look...you sick b*stards...)